Cronica de una dieta

Carta para Edna

2011-10-13T17:19:00.000-04:00

Primero que nada quiero pedirte disculpas por haber sido siempre tan cobarde y conformista. Yo se que me perdonas, ahora es el momento de olvidarnos del pasado, vivir hoy y sembrar para mañana. Sabes que donde estas ahora mismo vas a seguir estancada. No te ha tomado 11 años darte cuenta que de aqui no vamos pa' ningun otro lugar, sólo para atrás. Ya eso lo sabiamos, sólo que por el miedo no hemos hecho nada.

Ya los almuerzos de quejas cansan. Porque nos oimos bien rebeldes para en 10 minutos más tarde llegar con la cabeza abajo y a seguir dándole vuelta a la rueda. Antes podías decir, "pero es que es como si fuera mi familia". Pero muy bien sabemos que eso hace tiempo no es así. Cada vez te sientes más aislada, más olvidada y tomada por desapercibida.

Si seguimos esperando un plan, una salida o hasta una botada para que nos va a servir. Sí, la situación en casa no es la mejor, no tienes mucho apoyo económico en casa....pero tu le tienes ganas. Tu tienes el talento y la capacidad para salir adelante. Just do it. Por qué esperas? Esperar no te ha llevado a nada.

Brinquemos tomadas de la mano tu yo...porque no hay nadie más...sólo tu y yo debemos hacerlo.

I'm my own savior!

El C@$%*n de closet

2011-09-13T02:14:00.000-04:00

Hoy una amiga dijo una frase que me dejó con la boca abierta por lo brillante del comentario.

"...él es un cabrón de closet..."

Y es que todos nos topamos con este ser. Yo me he encontrado con tantos ya que hasta me asusta la idea. Aquí tenemos a una persona que por encimita piensas "Mira fulanito es muy buena persona, se ve lo más decente él." Pero para y observa. Cómo es este fulano con su prójimo? Porque es bien fácil ser nice con los panas, pero y el desconocido? Yo he estado en la presencia de seres negros de corazón que hablan de sus hijos con la ternura de un cordero y si un deambulante les pide chavos, aceleran el carro para no mirarlos o con voz de endemoniado le dice "NO TENGO!"

Yo sé... los deambulantes pueden ser annoying. Pero es una persona, un hijo, un primo, un hermano... cualquiera puede terminar así. Que se va a meter las peseta que le diste en drogas? Maybe. Pero eso no es problema tuyo. El problema tuyo es aceptar que esta persona puede ser un familiar tuyo. No vires los ojos porque de mejores familias los he visto caer. Yo no siempre doy dinero. No soy rica pero los miro a los ojos y les digo bajito "ay pa no tengo...pa' la próxima." En la luz de camino a mi trabajo a travéz de los años se han parado diferentes dudes. Unos han logrado ir a limpiarse, otros no han corrido la misma suerte. Pero hasta ahora casi todos, cuando me ven pasar; me hacen el gesto de saludo con la cabeza, me echan la bendición, me dicen sus nombres o me dicen que las gomas de mi carro estan bajitas. El cabrón de closet me saluda también, pero si me duermo me clava el cuchillo en la espalda y me dice bien concern "Ay bendito...estás bien?"

Getting my booty and mojo back.

2011-08-27T00:02:00.003-04:00

After a talk with my best friend, we decided (again) that we are going to DO this. Lose the weight for ourselves. I don't feel like me. I'm lost. Until not too long ago I had no desire... nothing moved me. Is like I'm on hold. There's always an excuse, this time it is that my mom is sick. Does that give me permission to stuff my face with chocolate? Apparently that's what I thought. I have catch myself eating a piece of chocolate and not savoring it. Just chew ans swallow. What the fuck?! Chocolate is a pleasure...you melt it slowly in your mouth. Mindless eating....oh lord what I'm doing? I don't go out, I don't feel like dressing up nor doing my makeup. Why? My clothes doesn't fit right. I need to stop being so lazy and move my ass...clean the house, throw away all the excess of junk that is around the house, exercise and eat right. I'm not going to stop eating chocolate but I will savor a small morsel instead of a barrel.

Here's the thing I need to loss weight, but I'm not aiming to be skinny, hell no! I want to be around the weight I had when I was in college. During that time I was sexy, was very aware of my sensuality and strode with confidence. I loved dancing during those years. I seduced men dancing. Now I wouldn't even try it. I need to get that girl back, I miss her. The best part is that now she's a little more mature.

Let the trip begin...again.

Blooper

2011-07-19T13:24:00.003-04:00

As a newbie in Google+ I deleted all the pictures I had posted here in my blog. Completely! :( My bad. There's no turning back and is really hard for me to remember what I had posted. So I guess this could be a clean slate to start again posting about the diet (what diet? really!) and the OTHER stuff.

Well I have been off this blog since last year. My mom is still sick. "She's stable..." That's what I said when people asks. She's alive, she's almost blind and have problem walking. We have to watch that she eats healthy low in sodium, low in potassium and low in sugar. Not freaking easy because she's not too fond on vegetables and she could win in a picky eater contest. Oh also her intake in water has to be a minimum. In these heat and taking many meds that leaves her mouth dry. Yeeesh! Anyway. I promise I'll post and draw more.

2010-12-21T15:56:00.002-05:00

After all we have been through this year I decided that I was going to celebrate no matter what and my closest friends agreed. So we decided, what the fuck let's have a party! I can't afford to throw it but everybody is pitching in!

I have to admit I am nervous, but is because I want to invite a certain someone to the party and I am gathering all my courage for that. I just send him a text and I'm waiting for him to answer. Agh! Wish me luck!

the kindness of strangers

2010-12-20T15:40:00.002-05:00

Here I was standing in a really long line at the post office. I was late for work but I HAD to send a package. I was not complaining, there were only two lines and my line was stuck because the computer kept freezing on the clerk. Sometimes I think I'm the only person who's still nice and considerate toward others. So I was really surprise by the following. I am next in the stuck line, some people have left because the post office got really crazy, the other line is way too long and the clerk is still waiting for the computer to react. She said looking at me that we have to move to the other line so I do. I go from being the first in line to be the last one. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. But I still manage to smile and sigh in defeat. The woman before me start talking to me and I engage in small talk with her. There we noticed that my line is finally working. I said "are you kidding me? I just moved!!!" She told me "don't worry if it still work, the next person in line is my son, I will tell him to let you pass." And she did. I left the post office with new hope in humanity and a smile on my face. That was very kind and fair of her. I thanks her with all my heart and hope she have a pretty cool Christmas!

She have no idea how happy she made me. :)

Things I discovered abut me today

2010-12-13T13:43:00.003-05:00

1. I can be very naive and innocent. That's what a new friend told me after he made me some weird questions. Which I am not going to repeat because I'm still digesting the convo.

2. I am too honest for my own good. Today I scratched a car with my SUV's bumper. Right in front of the rent-a-cop of the mall. So I parked, checked the minimal damage I did. By the way the car was illegally parked. And I took out my business car and gave it to the "cop". He told me aren't you going to leave them a note? I told him no and he said but what if they come back on a hurry and they don't notice the scratch. I told him the destiny is making me a favor. I told him this year has been a nightmare for me that if destiny would led pass this I would really appreciated. I am very sorry. It was a total accident, if the person does notice and the "cop" gave him/her my card then I will deal with it courteous. But I really don't have the time or the strength to deal with that. Besides my car has a few dents done by other people on other parking lots where I was legally parked. I could have given the cop a false name and number but I didn't. So Please God, if you are reading this PLEASE let the person let it be! Thank you!

3. I believe in miracles. I'm still praying that no one is going to call me about the scratched car. I believe I will found love. I believe my mom is going to be ok.

4. I can make a paper snowflake. I have never done one until today. :)

5. I haven't lose hope. :)

Everything stops, nothing else matters

2010-12-08T21:17:00.002-05:00

That's exactly how I felt this morning at 4 am when I heard my dad's screams. I woke up from a deep slumber and went running out my room. There she was, my mother, on the floor. My heart sank and she started talking. I can't remember what she said. I do remember telling her "Good! Keep talking to me. What happened?" She can't remember. I helped her sit down and there I saw it, the blood dripping from her beautiful black hair. I touched it and carefully looked for the wound. It was a 1.5" tear on her scalp. As soon as I saw it I told her we are going to the hospital NOW. 13 hours later we are back home. She has her stitches, she was checked in every possible way and her doctor pulled some strings for another test he wants to do on her soon. She's having these weird episodes where she's lost. Her eyes get glassy, can't speak or move. That can be as long as 20 seconds. Once she's back she can't remember anything. They have done many test and nothing comes up.

After we got home I bathed her, clothed her, brushed her hair like it was made of glass and then I cooked dinner for us. I just took a shower and with the water I was hoping to wash away the pain and the smell of blood that I still had on my hands. I'm tired and the weight of all is dawning on me right now. I feel like crying like a baby. Why the picture? Because no matter what color she has on her hair, she's the most beautiful mother.

Here we go again

2010-12-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

I have read in many places that a way to motivate yourself to lose weight is to award yourself with a new outfit, manicure or haircut once you have accomplished a part of your goal. I think that's crap. I don't want to wait until I have lost weight to get pampered. I need to look and feel good NOW. So last Saturday I did my hands and feet, Sunday I colored my hair thanks to Frances, and last night a friend came to cut my mother's hair and offered to cut mine. I took the chance. I started again on WW with Eli and today with my new haircut I feel great and with more energy and disposition to keep the diet. Today when I felt hungry instead of getting chips I went to the store and brought fruit and raw vegetables. So yeah I'm feeling very proud of myself.

Saying grace!

2010-11-24T14:19:00.004-05:00

Image by Draw Pilgrim

It's been a really hard year. I could say it was horrible but thinking back there are many great things to be thankful for. So instead of focusing on the negatives I wanna say thanks.

Thanks that my mom is home, that everyday I see her a little better. Thanks because last night we talked in bed like we used to do before she got too sick. Thanks because my dad is a cool cat! He helps me, me laughs with me and love me too much. Thanks because I have become a domestic goddess (hey if Nigella Lawson says she is one I can too) and a resourceful caregiver.

Thanks for the strong family that I have. Yeah they all love drama and whatnot but they are MY family, they are all awesome in their own personal way. I love them dearly. I have feel the support and love from them in resent days. My mom's illness, the death of my beloved aunt. We were all there together, holding each other. You all mean the World to me!

Thanks to all my friends, my chosen family. I am blessed that I have you all. You know who you are. I am so grateful that you walk beside me. All of you have done small and big things that has made a difference in my life.

I'm grateful that I have a job and I thank God everyday because, even if I complain, I do love it. Being away from the office made me miss it and love it more. Nothing at the office is that hard anymore.

Thanks because I had a great summer. I got to spend time with Eli. After 11 years we finally saw each other again and had a great time during her stay at my house. I am grateful that Lara, Eli's daughter, was born fine and everyday she's growing to be a beautiful baby.

And thanks to certain guys in my life, that even they are not with me, they all have made me feel pretty and wanted.

Cheers!

Sometimes you just have to shut the fuck up

2010-11-20T22:44:00.003-05:00

In the past months my mom's health has been in a precarious balance. We spent the whole month of October in the hospital. I moved there with her because I got a license from work. Along the way I have learn what to do and what not to do. I notice little changes on my mom. She loses her balance easily and sometime has scary episodes were she goes blank. All that part of the stroke she recently had. While many people that knows me keep telling me I'm doing a great job, that they admire my strong will and so on there are the OTHERS. The OTHERS are the ones that don't know me at all and want to tell me what to do.

Friends and family had been there for me and I am truly grateful. As of today, I have no doubt that I am loved and that I'm blessed to be able to count on such a big bunch of angels. But once in a while comes an asshole.

Like the woman that came to my house the other day. She comes from a government agency that granted my mother of a companion during the early hours of the day (for only a month). Well she brings the companion and asked me a few questions. She starts to give me crap about the fact that my mom doesn't want to use the bed Medicare sent her. Tells me to move the furniture while in hospital told me NOT to do that because my mom is familiarized with her house. She insist oon knowing more about my mom's situation than me. I decided to shut up and let her jab. All this is going on at 8:15 am. I woke up at 7 am and already had breakfast ready, lunch (for them later), gave my mom her meds and I was running late for work. I try to smile but I couldn't. Who's this fucking bitch think she is talking to my mom like she's a 6 year old?

Then today... I am at my grandma's house. My aunt died a week and a half ago and tonight was the last night of the "novenario". My mom went but she wasn't feeling all that great. First of all she was nervous because she can't see much and her butt is hurting. Along with all the meds, hemorrhoids came with a vengeance. Well the rosaries are over. Almost all the family was there and some of my grandma's neighbors came. This woman I don't know butt in a conversation I was having with my cousin and my mom. I don't mind because I'm used to people doing that. But then she starts telling me in a condescending tone what to do with my mom's ailment. I nod silently and try my best to be polite. I know and have done exactly what she's telling me. I don't mind advice because I don't know everything but spare me the tone. I am a 33 year old woman not a little girl playing house. She makes remarks like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to in regard of my mom. But she was not done...oh no. "what's that?" she asks pointing at a gallon of chocolate milk thats resting besides my mom's feet. I answered her "chocolate milk" Her face turns really ugly and scolds me "she's NOT drinking that is she?" I want to yell at her but I managed to speak softly "no, that's for me." I know she wanted to add "you shouldn't drink that either" but my "go fuck yourself" face warned her not to add anymore. I could give a fuck if you know my grandma, I DON'T KNOW YOU! You don't know me. PERIOD!

Edna Lucy Ayala Santos

2010-11-09T20:45:00.004-05:00

(de izq a der: titi Chiqui, abuela Lucy, yo, titi Edna y mami)

Mi familia es una familia matriarcal. Las mujeres que ven en esta foto son las columnas más cercanas a mi que han estado ahi paso a paso de mi vida. Hoy perdí una de ellas.

Titi Edna descansa por fin en paz y amor. Te voy a extrañar siempre.

Soltandote

2010-11-01T23:06:00.002-04:00

(de izquierda a derecha Carlos A Ayala, Edna L Ayala, Lucy Santos, Luz H Ayala y Angel L Ayala)

Titi Edna,
Te queria escribir aqui al aire, hacen días no te veo pero sabes que no es porque no quiera. Yo sé que tu me entiendes. Después que te pasaron al UCI no te vi más. Nunca tenia bien los horarios. Se me hacia más facil ir a verte cuando estabas en cuarto, sólo tenia que subir un piso y te podia comer a besos y sobarte. Pero igual te veo en todas partes. Como en la enfermera vivaracha que atendió a mami un domingo. Ella le cantaba bien sandunguera y le hacia chistes. Parecia que llevaba tu espiritu y me recordó aquellos tiempos que no estabas tan enferma. Tu risa es la mejor. Tu sonrisa aunque no es perfecta para mi lo es. Así casi sin aire hace menos de un mes me cantaste aquella canción que abuela te cantaba para dormirte. Te pregunté "Titi, tu sí tienes ganas de vivir?" porque mi madre estaba en una cama sumida en una depresión y enferma dejándose morir. Me sonreiste y me djiste que sí. Ay mi titi tan luchadora, pícara y fajona. Me tuve que ir corriendo porque no queria llorar frente a ti y abuela.

Siempre he dicho que mi sentido del humor salió de ti. Parece que me lo pasaste cada vez que me dormias en tus pechos. Me crié con tus hijos, ellos son mis hermanos, tu eres mi otra madre. No hay manera de describir el amor que siento por ti. No hay manera de explicarte lo que siento en estos momentos cuando estamos todo esperando... esperando a que dejes de sufrir en este mundo, a que sueltes tu cuerpo enfermo y goces finalmente sin ningun dolor, que puedas reir sin ahogarte. Eso es lo que me consuela y así mismo se lo dije a mami para que ella también te suelte. Abuela desde ya no tiene consuelo. Yo no sé que decirle, sólo implorarle que aún quedamos nosotros sus hijos, nietos y bisnietos. Pero como le dices a una madre que no sufra por sus hijos? Yo le pido a Dios que abuela soporte el golpe. Le pido a Dios por Gladys, Rafael (Tito), Roberto y tio Rafo. Por tus nietos, por mis tios Carlos, Chiqui, Evelyn, Cucho (Angel), por mis primos y por mi mamita Quichy (Luz).

Titi Edna, te pido que sepas que eres amada, que te lleves en tu corazón todo el amor y todos los buenos momentos que has tenido en tu vida. Que tengas la seguridad que no hay manera que yo te vaya olvidar. Imposible cuando tengo el honor de llevar tu nombre. Gracias. Gracias por cuidarme, por quitarme la ropa y los zapatos cuando era bebe, por pegarle vellones a mami y hacerme saber que no es tan seria como se hacia pasar. Gracias por consentirme, por consolarme, por hacerme creer en magia y en lo divino, por defenderme, por hacerme reir, por confiar en mi, por amarme tanto y por que oigo el orgullo en tu voz cuando dices "ella es mi sobrina".

Se qué que hay mil cosas más que podría decir.
Pero todas suman a lo mismo; te amo infinitamente.

Tears for fear

2010-09-08T16:23:00.004-04:00

Lately I cry everyday. I cry for my mom. I cry because sometimes I don't know what to do but mostly because I sense the end is near. I cry for things I took for granted like the fact that I don't know the recipe of my mom's famous carrot cake. My mom is barely alive and she can't remember stuff. Her chronic disease is taking its toll. Her biggest worries right now are the debts. She's worried that she's going to leave me with 2 credit card debts. I don't mind. I already inherited all her good traits, her kitchen talents and strong character mixed with compassion. But I'm miserable. I hate to see her in pain just laying there with no will to live. I have more regrets. I always wanted to take her to Spain and the Dominican Republic because she always wanted to visit those places. We never did. She told me once that she didn't minded. What I don't regret is that I always did and do any other thing she asked me to. I made her proud. The other day I laid down with her in bed and asked her "Do you remember the day I was born?" And in a weak voice she said "I remember everything about you."

I've been crying everyday.

When money is tight...

2010-08-23T17:54:00.004-04:00

I've been like that too many times. The thing is I still have student loans and some past bad decision that I have to pay. I am not money wise and my parents are not in the best economical situation either. So what do I do t survive? I bake cookies and make pretty hair clips and sell them. It's been working for me pretty good in the last year but I'm always short on cash.

Well today I took matters on hand. I have to stop the bullshit and plan my expenses and payments so I'm never ever late and have some cash. The idea is to keep making extra money but stash that away for a rainy day. Would I be strong and make it happen?! I already planned out my expenses until December. Wish me luck!

Forgiving yourself

2010-08-23T14:59:00.002-04:00

You are on your diet, you do everything by the book but then one day you skipped the gym, you ate a little too many chocolate pieces. GASP! YOU ARE A SINNER!!!! Repent and give me 20 NOW!

Well at least that was like me. A raised catholic girl always on the verge of guilt. But then something wonderful happen. I didn't gave a fuck anymore. I do care about my health and how I look but with the burden I have on my shoulders, believe me when I say "give me the large fries with the regular coke...and please bring me the dessert menu." If I'm sad I don't hold myself. I let my misery flow so it can go away faster. Hold it and I promise you, your misery is going to be there longer.

What I am trying to say is that misery is slowly walking away and I stepped on the scale this morning. Last week I gained 4 pounds and this morning I discovered that I lost them. So today I'm counting points, let my hair lose and I don't feel like having a huge piece of chocolate. On the other hand I do feel like stepping on the treadmill. Also, I got a portable DVD player so I'm going to be using that as an incentive to step on the machine!

No need to feel bad or ashamed. I am living life.

Feeling lighter already

2010-07-09T14:36:00.003-04:00

Today was weight-in day. I was kinda nervous since I started WW on Tuesday and on the wrong foot. But I am happy to say that I lost 2.3 pounds! :) Yeiii! I dressed nice today and wore my hair down and in my heart I am celebrating.

I texted Eli the good news and she wrote back "She's back!"

Oh yeah! I am back!

and again...

2010-07-08T09:27:00.002-04:00

Not too long ago I had a date, well, blind date. On the way to the meeting place I talked to Eli and before hanging up I told her: "Ok I have to go, he's here and I have to fix my chichos." (chichos=fat rolls) I hanged up and thought, what the fuck? It was meant to be funny but it was also the reality. That made me start my date with a not so confident me.

Leave it to me to be found on a date site by a medium. Yes, that his job...Medium. :/ I like weird so that's not a problem. I had a great time with the guy. It was weird but cool weird, he was charming and I was funny. But he hasn't call or texted back. I fell like I'm hiding behind my weight, because it's easier to think that the guy haven't called because I am fat and not because I stink as a person. I remember some parts of the date were I was quiet, too immersed on my own thoughts and distracted by my big gut.
Too bad. :( Since that day I've been telling myself that I have to do something again.

Last year I did good, I lose around 20ish pounds and was having an active life. Something happened that made me unhappy and I lost control. I gained all the weight back, but it's time to get back. So my next date I'll be more charming and less self conscious.

Inspirational Crap

2010-06-21T10:16:00.005-04:00

You know what I am talking about. You have been the lucky recipient of one of those You get them in your text message, email, twitter time line, facebook wall, myspace, etc. The best part is that they usually come from a person that NEVER calls. Great! There's nothing more devastating for me that hear the "bling" in my phone and read a message meant for a bunch of people, so impersonal and full of false "love". I HATE THEM! Are you really thinking of me? Then give me a call. Just a couple of minutes "Hi Lucy I was thinking of you, how are you?" That simple.

waiting (open letter)

2010-05-23T01:04:00.001-04:00

So yeah I'm waiting here. Maybe for you, for me, for something good to happen.

I know tonight you are not going to come. Maybe tomorrow? I hope. But the thing is, what is really what I am waiting for? I have no idea. Do you? Could you explain it to me? You see, I am lost.

The Question...

2010-05-17T15:52:00.003-04:00

The other day, while discussing my latest weight gain, he asked me "Is it about lack of motivation or lack of willpower?" I wanted to tell him with a sly smile; "Why? Are you going to motivate me?" But I just replied "It's everything." But the truth is I have no motivation. Yeah the bikini should be it but no. I'm not that shallow.

I'm looking for it (the motivation). Right now is the fact that I feel sluggish and ugly. Not a great combo. I need something to look forward, that's how I function. Sadly at this moment I am so trapped at home with my mom's illness, late hours at work, lack of money to keep the household comfortable and many other little things. Should I mention lack of sex? Well yeah that too.

I can list all the cool things about losing weight and so and so but I'm in a mood that I don't give a fuck. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just want to shutdown and let someone else do the job.

I want my mommy.

to write or not to write

2010-05-03T17:16:00.001-04:00

What's yours?

2010-03-25T00:18:00.004-04:00

One of my biggest fears is dying too young and don't accomplish anything with my life. These fears are number 3 and 5 on my top 5 list. Life is too short as it is. There are times that I feel at lost with what I am doing with my life. I know what I'm doing is not enough. I overload myself with work and the daily responsibilities but what I truly want to do? And I am not talking about leisure time, I'm talking about what kind of life do I want. Do I get to chose? Many of you will say "but of course you get to chose" Do you??? Really?

Because sometimes I sit down and I try to think...what do I want to do? And I'm left with a big blank. What the hell happened to my dreams? Is it possible to be THAT numb? I look around at my home office and I can see the years that have gone through and some stuff haven't even been moved. Everything is in a standstill waiting for me to make a decision. I should start with a big black garbage bag and throw away everything that I haven't used or missed since last year. Some years ago I heard that nothing new will come to your life if you live in a constant clutter. I am not saying that by this weekend my home office is going to be the epitome of a clutter free life but I need to try.

I dare you to dream!

2010-03-03T15:32:00.003-05:00

Last week I went to have a nice Chinese lunch to perk me up. Even when things look like they are crumbling around me I am doing my best not to let that drag me to the floor. Like custom at the end of my lunch they gave me a fortune cookie that contained the fortune that I show above. "Expect great things, and great things will come." I put the fortune on my wallet and forgot about it. Until yesterday when I found it. I smiled at it because, unconsciously, that is exactly what I am doing.

I am not afraid anymore.

2010-03-01T08:31:00.003-05:00

Not too long ago I wrote A word of advise where I was denouncing the so called friends that need a graphic favor and screw you over on the process. Well guess what? Another "friend" called. But this time following Rick's and my own advise I send the person an estimate. The beauty of that piece of paper I send was the last part that quoted that if the estimated was not signed on my hands with the 50% of the money quoted I was not moving a finger. Plain and simple.

This person calls me that he has this wonderful idea, he explains in deep detail what I am already guessing is going to be a nightmare to design and I can picture the long nights I'm going to be cursing the day I didn't listen to my dad and became a doctor. Oh and did I mention that they need this RUSH? Yeah... Rush, I just love the word. How it rolls in my tongue like a damnation. I tell the guy that I'll get back at him with a quote. I went home and I think "I don't want to do this..." Not because I'm lazy but because lately it seems I'm working for free. Fuck that. But then I think "wait, what if I am anticipating a screw over and let pass a great opportunity?" So I sit down with my numbers and made him a quote. Since this is not for a company I go way below what I actually charge (not ethical I know) because I do want to help them with this.
I do the exercise of checking how much it would be if I charge them what I am supposed to charge. It is over the top but the quote I send them is super low and fair. I tell the guy that the quote is not even a fourth of what I would charge. Money wise I treated them kindly. Have I received an answer from them? Of course not.

This time I am not mad. Because my time was not wasted. Do you have a cousin/nephew/neighbor that will do a crappy job for free or for candy money, by all means go ahead and call him. Now, do you need a professional artist to do your thing? Prepare to pay!

The song I have in my mind all day!

2010-02-17T08:32:00.004-05:00

I recently hear these guys on the radio and wanted to know who they are, but the DJ, every time he played them, mispronounce the band's name. Today he finally nail it and I found them on youtube. Paper Tongue! The beauty of this particular video is that is not a recording. Enjoy and break free!!!

"I will shit on your work" said a co-worker

2010-02-09T14:02:00.006-05:00

Ahhhhhh the beautiful world of advertising!

If you have 12 min. to waste go ahead and watch the video below. It's funny and gives you a great true perspective of what I am surrounded at the office. :P Last week was another slap on my face and more reasons for me to start looking for a new job in another industry. Seriously, what kind of impact I'm doing working here? Selling more beer, coffee, cars and so on???

The thing is when I went to college this was NOT my idea of the career path I wanted for my life. I was not into graphic design. I hate to design logos... there I said it!!!!! This was supposed to be a provisional job to give me some time and cash flow until I could work on my real future. My goals were so different back then. I was getting married and my future as future mom, children book illustrator and art teacher was waiting in NYC. Then my dad got cancer, my relationship went down the drain and I eventually fall in love with advertising. My goals died away with that relationship and I was absorbed at work and at home. It hasn't been all a waste of time. I have great friends that I'd met during all these years, I had gone to great parties, I had learn a lot. But is time to move on.

Enjoy the clip!

Have you felt the beating of your own heart today?

2010-02-01T22:04:00.003-05:00

I have.

Funny I don't recall the last time I did. Actually I do. I was nervous so I took his hand and put it on on my neck. "Do you feel that? You are killing me with the suspense." The rest is a bad story that eventually I would tell. After that I think I went numb. I forgot to feel me. I forgot ME. I was chasing ghosts, I was barking at all the wrong trees.

Anyway, today was different. I felt my heart because I was on my stationary bike pedaling away. Just like that; agitated, sweating and my heart beating fast. My legs felt awesome after I climbed down. I felt my body... I am here, I haven't disappear. You see, sometime ago I forgot what was important and good for me. I'm awake.

Happy New YEAR!!!!!!!

2010-02-01T13:59:00.004-05:00

I know it's February but I'm going to consider this the beginning of my new year. Yeah, January sucked ass. Let me enumerate the reasons.

My dad's last best friend died. My mom went to the hospital while at the same time my father was also sick with the flu at our house. I had to skip too many days at work and I didn't had any vacations days left. I was forced to take the days I had left during x-mas...thank you very much. So I'm not getting pay for those days. I got food poisoned and had to skip yet another day at the office. Mr C got psycho on me again and for the last time. The office atmosphere is CRAP. All my student loans are like two months behind on payments. One of my clients, who owe me lots of money, went bankrupt. I met a pretty interesting guy....and he has a pretty girlfriend. Last but no least I think I fall out of love with my job.

All of this has a remedy I know. So that's why instead on focusing on all that crap I am reinventing myself. Giving me another chance to start over and have a good year, a good start. Why not? I am the owner of my life. That's the only thing that is truly mine and I have to take control. So cheers!! Have a good one because I know I will.

Why we have and keep friends?!

2010-01-21T11:15:00.005-05:00

In the past I have heard people argue that they prefer to be alone, that they don't trust anyone, that people are crap, that your best friend is either a dog or a dollar on your wallet. Well... if you think like that then let me tell you that you are a little sad person. Sorry to be blunt.

I haven't write much here on my blog for two reasons; 1. I am not following a healthy diet and 2. I've been going through some rough stuff that I am still figuring out how to deal with. At the same time there had been awesome moments worthy of posting but I've been too cramped with work to sit down and let my heart out. I've been under a lot of pressure lately; money, work, sick parents, heartbreak (again), artistic frustration, you name it. My last odyssey was my mom's hospitalization while my dad also was sick at home. I run out of vacation days at my work so that means no work no pay. My parents are my priority so I'll figure out what to do to balance the paycheck. Work(money) comes and goes but my parents are the only ones I have.

I told myself that if I ever feel lonely it's just a drama attack because I have people in my life that truly care about me. I have proof everyday. They call, they text, they take me to the movies, they come over out of the blue to have dinner, they help with errands, play a game or just chat while I do the dishes, they come visit my mom with Chunky Monkey(for me) or donuts, they even have put money on my hands.

Today my mom is at home and I'm back at work. I'm a warrior and I have a legion of earth angels behind my back taking care of the pieces that falls.

This song is for each you! THANK YOU!

Walking away...

2009-12-03T16:02:00.003-05:00

Tonight is a good night for a drink. I finally was brave enough to erase Mr P from my contacts. *big applause* All my contacts! *standing ovation* I received a text on Thanksgiving that was obviously a mass text message. I read it and deleted it after reading it twice. No, I didn't answered it. Then on Monday I saw on FB his new pictures with his new borrowed family. Pictures I saw once in my mind but with me and my future baby. That was the final slap.

This is exactly what I needed to move on. I can't keep holding a dream that doesn't belong to me. So, good bye Mr P. I could be graceful and say I hope you are happy and have a prosperous life. But I don't feel graceful today. Fuck you and your new life you miserable liar. I hope everytime they make your life a living hell you remember how good I was to you.

Confused...just confused (letter #2)

2009-11-20T23:08:00.003-05:00

There's a small frown on my face. I was taking self portraits pictures earlier when I noticed that every time I smile when the camera clicked I looked phony and weird. Only when I relaxed my face and let it set to my true feelings was when I looked decent. Sad but decent.

Here's the deal. I was fine alone because I was used to that. I spent too much time closed in an office. I make my work atmosphere a pleasant one. I get hugs everyday and I know there are lots of people who really care and love me. Every time I'm in trouble or in need, I deal with it usually alone. There are some earth angels that always lend me their hands when I most need it. And I am grateful for that. I have been in the deepest end of the pool drowning many times and just a right word or a caress had helped me get up for air and swim back to the sun. I am happy person, I hate to drag my feet. I slap myself every time I catch myself too mopey. I like to be fun to be around. I'm the one who takes care of everything and everyone. So when you appeared out of the blue paying attention to me, caressing my face like in the movies, holding my hand, walking proudly besides me and kissing me with need and tenderness I was just... taken aback. I was afraid and concerned but then I said fuck it and let it go...to crash with a sudden wall. Fine. Go away but the tease was just plain cruel. I know you had no idea what a mess has been left behind. When Mr P finally left for good the devastation was huge. I took my pieces and glued them together.

Now I'm just confused. You say you don't have time for me. That was the most ironic thing you could say to me. I'm not arguing about that is just that if you don't have any feelings for me...well I can accept that but don't talk about not having time.
I'm walking away from a place where I was told he just wanted to be alone and a few months later his house is habited by his new girlfriend and her two kids. Alone my ass.

I hate not to know how to act because when you put a stop to my face I just lose my grip. You call and I'm disturbed. You leave messages in a cyber world that have no name attached to them and I wonder if they are for me. My heart skips a beat and it sunks again. Be an asshole and tell me to fuck off. I prefer to be mad at you and give you a fuck it than to like you and keep wondering.

An undelivered letter

2009-11-14T13:23:00.006-05:00

Do you know how I feel? Like someone is squeezing my chest, like my heart wants to leap out of my chest in any moment. Anxiety is the worse. I want to ask you so many thing I have no idea where to start or if it is correct to ask on the first place. I feel fragile again for opening, for letting it happen. I don't want to make excuses for you. You either want or not. I said enough is not enough for me. You have looked at me quizzical asking what's wrong when I have pulled away. Don't you see I'm just afraid? I am not in love and I want to, but what do YOU want? I love the way it feels when you reach my hand out of the blue. I feel protected when you put your arm on my shoulders. I feel small and warm.

I'm afraid to be me...to be the fool I am. I'm afraid my enthusiasm will scare and drive you away. Others are approaching but I have given my back to them and I prefer you. Go figure, when it rains it pours. You don't know what I've been through and I will not tell. Just know that I have been burned too many times and I only need to know where I am standing. That's all I ask. I need to know if I should take my heart and walk away or if stay and give it you. Simple.

UPDATE: I wonder if he read this because we talked and it's over. It really never started anyway. Oh well, I'm a little sad but the anxiety of not knowing is gone. Let's move on shall we?

A word of advise...

2009-11-10T14:33:00.003-05:00

If you have a small company, little budget and need a logo and some art works go to an art institute and ask for help to the students. They are going to be eager to take your project and do a great job for little money. I know I did when I was in college.

Here's the thing, a month ago a so called friend called me and asked me to do some graphic works for him. This is a person that I haven't hear from in a couple of years neither I consider "friend". I listen to the mumbo jumbo introduction of what is needed and gave me some bogus art direction. We don't talk about money only the "treat me kind because I don't have much money".

I do the artwork following the directions. The art is crap of course and I told him so. Finally agrees and let me do my job. I come up with a decent piece, do the adaptations. This means I am working overnight at my home taking hours from my life. I could be baking, I could be watching a movie, I could be designing a brochure that a company in USA ask me to do. I deliver the art on time. Along with the bill. The weeks pass and I don't hear anything else from this person. Until one day the person calls me to tell me that I haven't sent the bill. I tell him "Oh yes I did but don't worry I'll send it again." I was in bed with the laptop dangling from my knees. He asked me how much the bill was and I told him. He says "ok, I'll see you next week to deliver the check and tell you about another project" I cringed because I really don't want to do more works for this person. Two days later I have an email from this person telling me I overcharged him and that we had agreed that I was only going to charge him $75. I wonder in what planet this person lives...$75???? Really???? I answer the email as polite as I can but firm on the fact that I never mentioned how much I was charging. The emails kept coming back a forth. One in particular said "remember I am not rich" and I answered that "I know and neither I am so for that reason I can't work for free. I charged you way less money that I charge my other clients and that's not ethic. If you have a problem coming up with the money I can agree on getting half now and half later." The person still insist that I said $75 but agrees in paying half now and half later. Guess what? It's been a month and I haven't seen this person nor the money. :(
I sent an email today reminding him about it.

Don't insult me and my work like that. I went to college for 4 years and graduated with a BFA majoring in Illustration. I have 9 year of experience in the Advertising Industry. I have work with accounts like: American Express, Schering-Plough, Coca Cola, Alianza Francesa, Cutty Sark, Triple-S Seguros, DonQ, Medalla, Garage Isla Verde (Mercedes-Benz), Gran Meliá, Yaucono, First Bank, Abbot, McDonald's and so on.

Look come in front and tell me "I have only this for doing this project, what do you think?" and I'll adapt but know that I will only do one revision, the next ones are going to be charged too. My time is money just like everyone else.

Now bitch, where's my money???

Stuff I shouldn't say about me.

2009-11-09T22:45:00.004-05:00

I am an attention freak but I try to hide it.
I over analyze EVERYTHING.
I thrust people.
I hate to do the dishes.
I won a bottle of wine on a bet. The bet? I can't reveal it but it was fun.
I did jumping jacks on the balcony of my old apart. naked on a dare.
I have experience projectile vomit and feeling awesome after. (hungover)
My dad used to work as a waiter so I'm always kind to the waiters/waitresses that serve me unless they are rude to me.
Sometimes I just don't want to talk.
I fall in love to fast.
Right now I'm not in love...I'm still dealing with the pieces left.
Many times I think I'm not going to be able to have babies.
I can watch Love Actually over and over, also Muppets takes Manhattan.
Sometimes I think I'm not such a great artist.
I hate to feel abandoned.
I don't make plans...if I do they always get ruined by someone.
I want a particular person in my bed right now.
I'm way too honest for my own good.

Let's continue!

2009-11-09T10:17:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile, I know. I am doing squat on the diet and exercise department. Work has been hectic, my mother has been very sick and I have been overwhelmed by all. What have I done? Ate without caring much. I can't make myself wake up early so I can climb the bike. BUT... I haven't feel bad. I have been busy and I have forgot some of my goals. Oh well big deal tomorrow is another day right? So here we go again!!!!

Jaime Vélez Otero (1924-2009)

2009-10-22T10:47:00.004-04:00

On my last post I talk about my uncle's disappearance and how we were looking for him. Well a week after he appeared. The police found his body on a river in Puerto Nuevo. He was missing his shirt, his wallet, was badly battered and his head was covered with a plastic bag. Did he had enemies? No. Did he owned money to the "mobster"? No. Was he a bad person? No.

He was just a simple 85 year old man with an adventurous soul. He loved to talk your ear off about his life in New York when he was young, about his only daughter Virgy, about how proud he was of his grandsons, about all his nieces and nephews. He was a father, a grandaddy, a brother, a good son, he was my uncle. While I was away in college he visited my parents and they show him part of my painting and he was so proud that he told my dad "Esta echa toda una Pistachio" (she's a pistachio) He actually meant Piccasso. He was funny and cared about everyone.

Thanks to my cousin, Elizabeth Guidini's effort and connections we could find tío Jaime and we had a moment to say a proper and dignified goodbye to him in a very emotional and sweet little ceremony.

He was my aunts companion and you can feel the house a little bit empty without him. There are no more scents of seafood cooking on the kitchen or sounds of horse racing games and his happy screams while pepping the horses. Whoever did this know for sure that the divine justice will get you. You robbed a whole family of a loved one, you robbed a man of his dignity and right to die in a natural way. I am sorry for you because you probably never had a real family like he did.

Tío Jaime I hope you have found abuela Gene, abuelo Angel and your sweet granddaughter in heaven. Also tell titi Laura that she's still my favorite aunt and I still wish she could be around to see me become the woman I am today like you did. I love you.

Where is Jaime Vélez?

2009-09-25T15:45:00.003-04:00

Jaime Vélez is my uncle and he disappeared last Saturday. My brother Eddie was the last one to see and talk to him in Rio Piedras. He's the first one from left to right. He's fair skin, brown hair, green eyes, talks a lot, he loves to gamble on horses, always wears dark pants and light color guayaveras. He lives in Summit Hills with his two sisters Esther and Lydia. He always walks and take the buses to Rio Piedras. The thing is, last Saturday he left the house and never came back.

Everyday I ask my mom if he has return or if my aunts have received any information that he's in a hospital or something but nothing comes up. My dad doesn't say much but I know he's very sad about his big brother missing. Have you seen him? The police is searching, my aunts have called and visited the hospitals and my brother even visited the morgue but nothing comes up.

My uncle is a good person. When my brother lived on the streets he was always helping him with anything he needed, food, shelter, clothes, money and an advice from the heart. He also has an adventurous soul. Two years ago he traveled to Spain all by himself with just a PO BOX address of his nephew and he found him.

I just pray that we can find him soon.

Can friends be lovers?

2009-09-06T20:00:00.002-04:00

You laugh together, you talk deep and shallow stuff, you don't judge each other...hey that's what makes you such good friends in the first place. But then one day the mysterious line is crossed and it's crossed forever, there is no turning back. What do you do?

Seriously...can you still be friends after a romp in bed? (I'm talking about a guy and a girl you perverts.) Life is not like the movies, after a night of passion both realized that it is love after all and not just lust. If you expect love ever after you are bound to a big disappointment. I bet there are a few exceptions but I'm the rule. Anyway, here's my favorite scene from Zack and Miri make a Porno.

Oh and a word of advise if you crossed the line have fun and push away the drama.

The Challenge

2009-08-10T10:33:00.004-04:00

Time to focus on my goal. I know I have said that before but this morning the scale spit on my face. I gained 3 pounds. Ugh! Meanwhile Eli lose 4 the other week and 1 more this last week. I started the day on the right track I just have to keep reminding myself what I'm doing and why I want to do it.

Here's the challenge for this week. Drink more water, do at least 30 min of any exercise, I would count sex as an exercise but first I need a volunteer for that. Ha-ha-ha...not that funny. Anyway, yeah more exercise daily. Just to see how much it would affect my body and last but not least stay within my daily points of WW. For those of you that doesn't know what I'm taking about, the points are the way WW measures the food you get in your body. Lettuce is pretty much zero points and 2 pieces of chocolate (small ones)are 3 points. You get the idea.

I'm drinking water as I type and I have behaved awesomely today. My lunch was full of veggies and good protein. Yeiii!! I stayed away from sweets and just had two coffees. The day is not over but I am very confident that I'm going to keep it. THIS IS IT!!!
In the following months I'm going to be on the spotlight. I was invited to participate on a calendar project to help raise money for Alianza Para un PR sin Drogas (Alliance for a Drug Free Puerto Rico). They invited twelve artists from the puertorican advertising industry and I was one of the chosen ones. Yeiii!!! I'm August! Well next month there's going to be press conference and then other day I'll have to paint live at PR's biggest and coolest mall, Plaza Las Américas. The pieces are going to be part of a calendar but the original are going to be bid. I need to really get my creative juices flowing because I don't want to be the piece that nobody bid on. That would be so embarrassing!! :S UGH! Anyway, I'm going to do my best and rock the show!!!

OK time to go home and dust off my treadmill and the stationary bike! THis is going to be a pretty interesting week!!!! Who's with me?!

I have a soft spot for construction workers

2009-07-28T11:42:00.005-04:00

I do... well there are some hot workers out there. One of my fondest memories is one night when I went with my girlfriends to a hangout bar and rest in Isla Verde. Here in PR everybody is almost the same height...not too tall not too short and suddenly this really tall guy came into the place. Carla leans to me and tells me "Oh my he looks like a wrestler...that's a guy for you!" I look at the guy... he's a wall probably 6'4, really wide back, large strong arms, long hair, very handsome, obviously american. I look her in her eyes and tell her.."No way!" but I said that because I don't think the guy is ever going to notice me. Well guess what? The guy stands right next to me and ask me really sweet what I'm drinking and the next thing he's buying me and my friends another round. "So what you do for living?" I ask him with my heavy puertorrican accent. "I'm an iron worker?" What? He explains that he's in charge of welding the iron frame of a huge retail store that by that time was in construction. I was beyond impressed. Not only he was strong, he was very nice, he read a lot and we had a great time talking about many cool stuff. I will never forget his nickname "Bull". LOL He broke in my head the misconception that all construction workers are dumb assholes. At some point I stand up to go to the bathroom and he took the opportunity to kiss me... very nice and soft. When the night was almost over he gave me his phone number and plead me to call him. I took the number but never called him. I couldn't, by that time I had a boyfriend that was living in NYC. I admit that wasn't very nice of me but if you see him you'll know I couldn't pass to spent some time with Bull..anyway is not like I slept with him. I never saw him again but believe me he left a nice mark.

My other construction man is near. There's a building really close to where I work that is in constant renovations. I usually see him when I pass in my car real fast because I'm late for work. He sees me too and smiles. Is he cute? Oh yeah and sexy. At some point some mornings he will even blow me a kiss and I just blush and push the pedal. He made my days, until one day I made the mistake to ask another coworker if she noticed him and if he did anything. He also smile and blow kissed at her. I was crushed...MY CONSTRUCTION WORKER IS A PLAYER... I was no longer feeling special. I would pass and try to ignore him. I will put my most serious face and didn't look. I guess he noticed because one particular day that I needed an ego boost he ignored me. He even looked serious...he was mimicking me. I got sad. Why I asked? Why didn't I stayed in my blissful ignorance? Then something wonderful happened. Today while I was coming to the office I saw him from a distance and this time I turned my face and looked at him in the eyes and smiled. He smiled back...but I could tell that he was surprised that I was back. His beautiful smile was so sweet that it inspired this post. :)

ENOUGH!

2009-07-27T09:10:00.002-04:00

Enough with the self pity and stuffing my face with the wrong food. Today I woke up mad at myself for eating so much shit and letting everything around me swallow my energy. I had a bad weekend so suit me. I step on the scale this morning, ugh, I'm not expecting having loss anything but when I went to my chart I did lose a pound....go figure! Anyway that was enough reason to stop fooling around. I have to take this seriously. I'll like that for a month and then slack and the take it seriously again and... you get the idea. It's a roller coaster!

I started today with dressing in black (my fav), putting my contacts on and make up, grabbed a light breakfast and came early to work. :D I'm already feeling good. If only Kike would change his music to something less Steven Segal's action movies soundtrack. I promise I'll keep the progress updated. So far so good...I need to drink more water so as soon as I'm publishing this I'm walking to the cooler and to get some. Salu!

Hard days...

2009-07-26T23:32:00.002-04:00

I'm in no mood to exercise, follow the diet, eat salad or just be a good girl. None of that shit. I just want to eat chocolate, watch a movie (doing it right now minus the chocolate) and have someone right beside me.

I'm very tired of my situation.

Let the Games Begins

2009-07-21T17:22:00.004-04:00

Ok 20 pounds less and the dating spirit came back. Well actually I finally decided to open myself to meet new people, go out and just have fun without having big expectations. I haven't lost any more pounds because I gain 3 and then I lose the same 3 again. So I'm kinda stuck. Serves me for not doing any physical activity...well one comes to mind but it doesn't appear on the weight watcher's site. LOL Anyway I'm celebrating that I have a tan. I live in an Island and I hardly go to the beach but this summer woohooo I'm on a roll!!!! I brought a new bathing suit, no little skirt for me. I need to get my ass moving so next year I'll be wearing a bikini! I owe myself that.

Anyway, I'm dating again. Funny thing is that every time I ask the universe to drop me someone uncomplicated the universe responds with a 20 something guy. This time two 20 something guys. LOL Both guys are sweet and smart and I'm cool with that. Nothing serious. Just going out and having a good time. In fact as of today, one of the new kids is MIA and the other we had a date last night and it was really cool and easy. Even that I am the older person and should know better I get a little self conscious so when he dropped me at my house I rushed to get out of the car, thank him and gave him a kiss on his cheek. He reacted fast and grabbed my face for a sweet and almost virginal kiss. Then of course it got less virginal until I realized that my parents were waiting for me at the kitchen. OOOPS!

I do have a list of complicated men in my life. There are still some like C but we agreed that we both love the stage our friendship is right now. He tells me about his dates and I get a little jealous. I tell him about mine and he also gets a little jealous. We like each other but we like each other so much that we are not going to complicate our lives with a relationship. You see?! We are complicated people. There's another one but if you ask him upfront if something happen between us I bet he will denied me like Saint Peter to Jesus. I don't care or get hurt by that. We shouldn't have messed around in the first place but I don't regret it. :P

In a weight rut and other matters

2009-06-30T09:51:00.003-04:00

I need to be more aggressive on my diet. I have to confess I have been slacking on waking up early to go to the track field and I'm sneaking too many french fries lately. Shame on me! Last Friday instead of buying me a luxurious lunch I went to the opening of Sephora and brought me a cute nail polish and face powder. Both definitely last longer than food.

As of today I can finally say that I'm over Mr P. Yeap, it finally happened!!! It was very liberating when someone asked me "are you over him?" and without stuttering I could say "YES!!!" For me was like an epiphany...wow I can move on!!!! I'm moving on!

Somewhere I read or heard that in order to let new thing to come to you, you have to let go the old and whatever is not working. Everytime I practice that, I see the results almost instantly. I cleaned the house and opened the doors. Someone is at my steps. It is too premature to say anything more than we have reached at each other and we are creating a precious bond. It's all about respect, honesty, good vibes and great conversations.

A little stucked

2009-06-02T11:20:00.005-04:00

I have to confess. Look at that chart...I'm stuck. Since yesterday, I'm being more serious about what I'm putting in my mouth. To the extend that right now I'm drinking V8, ummm yum? I'm still getting used to it.

What keeps me strong is that now more than never I need to get rid of all this extra weight. My face is looking less puffy and all my jeans now fit awful...they are all too big!! Yeaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

I had my mourning time already. Now is time to have fun, to meet new people and to get out more. :)

Don't worry is just a broken heart...

2009-05-17T12:40:00.002-04:00

Last night I had unexpected news. Mr P called he wanted to tell me something. Through my mind went lots of possibilities while he fussed over the words. I'm thinking, maybe he's moving back to PR!!! But he finally blurted out... "I met someone." silence "we've been talking a lot and things are getting serious." I just manage a "oh! wow...cool!" I felt tears welling and my voice was going to crack so I took hold of the conversation "I'm glad you are happy...you sound excited!....." he asked about my parents and I started talking non stop, avoiding what I just heard. God bless the police men of Colorado that pulled him over because he had to hang up. The phone clicked and I lost it. What the fuck was that? I crushed my face on the pillow and wailed like a wounded animal. It was too late to call anybody...but then again who would I call? Eli... I texted her and as soon as she could she called me but by that times I had calmed. I went to the computer to try to work but I couldn't concentrate. My eyes were burning and my voice was croaky. My mom woke up and was talking to me. She's almost blind so she didn't inquired about my eyes but did notice my voice. I didn't said anything to her.

Eli called and I couldn't talk so I just answer yes and no. After that I shot off the computer and went back to bed. I called him again...I wanted to know more. So I asked him about everything. He thinks I'm cool about it and we have always been too honest with each other. He didn't just met her...they each other before I was even in the picture...which makes me think about our time together. She lives here and the "things are getting serious" is that she is moving over there to live with him...oh yeah with her kids. I can't stop myself and told him..."Umm I was kinda ok when I thought you just met..." So what about all the bullshit he has fed me over the years of being emotionally unavailable. About whenever he felt like having a relationship again I would be the first to know. I'm an idiot I know the answer. I just didn't wanted to believe it. What pissed me off is why the fuck her and not me? Why he called me out of the blue and told me he missed me and he wanted me there with him. Why he were planning to come over and spent time with me? He was a little shocked about my reaction because he really though I was going to be ok with it. Primary because I had told him about my own trials and error with other men. In reality I was just wishing he felt a little jealous. I feel like a complete moron and humiliated to the extreme. Come on, I'm the idiot who every time he calls gets butterflies and can't stop smiling, I'm the one that brought a ticket to Colorado just to visit him...just to be near him. I'm the idiot who couldn't stop crying while talking to him.

I don't even have the courage to tell him...you know what go fuck yourself and never ever call me again. No, I couldn't. I truly want him to be happy. I just need to find my happiness some place else. We changed the subject and talked like nothing happened. After awhile he said "I'm really sorry..I never thought this would upset you. I have a specialty to bring pain to you...I'm so sorry."

After all that Eli texted me around 3 am asking me if I was awake. I called her immediately. That was a blessing because I couldn't sleep. We talked until 5:30 am we compared notes on out failures in love and made jokes about it. She cried with me. At the end she told me..."you know what just take this apart and see what you learn from this, I know you already are looking at the positive side of this when you told me that now is your chance to finally move on."

Yeah...maybe this is it. Finally the end of that chapter.

Two steps behind...

2009-05-05T10:29:00.003-04:00

Damn it I was doing so good. Yesterday was weighting day, ugh I gained 2 pounds. I blame myself, while I was baking for last weekend's Comic Con I sneaked a couple of treats down my throat. I had a booth with Delirium Tremens While the creator of the critters, Z was running all over the Convention taking care of everything I took care of the booth and sold all my cookies and almost all the monsters. It was awesome! I really like talking to people. The only bad part was the food. During the two days the only thing to eat over there was the awful food from the cafeteria at the Convention Center. Burned burgers, mega deep fried chicken fingers that tasted really bad and lots of french fries. Ugh. I love french fries but considering the points they represent in WW, they are a sin. Oh but I did ate them. I am a sinner and 2 freaking pounds heavier. Oh well. Today I'm eating at the office my controlled portion of WW food. I'm so close to 20 pounds less that is not funny to be slacking like that. :)

Anyway on other topic. Yeah! The Comic-Con was awesome. I hardly got out of my booth because I was all by myself most of the time but that didn't stop me to have fun. I called the cute guys from my booth to gave them flyers to go check out my new comic Kukey Diaries. At some point I had to go to the bathroom and Luije came to my rescue. He is the best seller ever. He's way more outspoken than me and he pushed those cookies and monster with all his might. After that Mr. C appeared and gave me company. Many of my friends were involved on the convention so I had all the inside jokes, the cool info, etc. I'm not much of a comic follower but I do have my favorites. On Saturday when we were almost closing came to my booth this guy with a black t-shirt printed with the heroin of one of those comics I follow. He bought cookies and I stared at the shirt and shyly asked him. "Are you the creator of Jenny?" He answered me with another shy "yes". I got all gooey and told I looove his stuff and I asked Luije to take me a picture with him. He was very nice and funny.

Then on Sunday I finally got the guts to go over Tom Beland's table. I bought a big comic book of his and asked him to sign it. My English went out the window. I was blabbering and gushing how much I love his work and how honest and sweet I think it's all his stories. I was inside my head screaming like a teenage girl but I could hardly utter a word. I left skipping to my booth and Z asked me ..."Umm did you gave him one of the flyers for your comic?" "No! I...I... I don't know..." Z- "Goooo NOW!!!!" So I took one of the flyers and a baggie of cookies. Thankfully at that moment there was no one there. I gave him the cookies and told him that I baked them and to please check my comics on the flyer, that I would really appreciate it. He smiled all over and say nice things about the cookies and after I thanked him again I went back to the booth in pure joy! Z left to take care of the entrance I started to fill the baskets with more cookies when I see Tom Beland standing in front of my booth. He was holding an original drawing from his comic. He wrote on it "To Edna, keep drawing and baking! :)" and his signature. He gave it to me and told me so many nice things about not giving up and keeping with my dream...he almost made me cry. That was the highlight of my day.

After all that, at night, I finally had a short conversation that was much needed. Something ended and instead of me feeling sad I actually felt relieved and happy. That issue was eating me inside and I was giving too much and receiving NOTHING. Doesn't matter. I am grateful for what I do have and that is a bunch of really cool friends that are there for me. :D Thanks guys!!! I love you all!

Officially 18 pounds less!!!!!!

2009-04-27T22:32:00.002-04:00

Yes!!!!! I'm slowly loosing weight but I am loosing weight! I'm very happy and feeling sexy again! My creative juices are flowing, I have a couple of projects down my sleeve. I still wanna fall in love deeply. I miss that, the jitters and the emotions. I got confused at the beginning of the year but it's just lust. Not "it was"...it still is. Every time I see him I just want to rip his clothes off but i just sigh and try to ignore the feeling. I just wonder how is it for him. He's definitely attracted to me in some way. This is beyond curiosity already. It's exhilarating because I haven't feel this seductive in so long. Oh forget it!!! Mr.P is around, still far but he's around. I had tried so hard to let him go and forget all about him but my heart is very stubborn. There's still a great connection between us. Sometimes I just have to wish really hard for him to call me...and he does.

I'm not wishing right now. Oh ok! maybe a little.

On the verge of temptation

2009-04-08T15:39:00.002-04:00

Ok so far today I have lost 16 pounds since January. I've been losing a pound each week. So far so good. I can notice it in my body. My face is less puffy and my blue shorts fit perfectly. I religiously write down on the ww site what I'm eating even if is only a bite. I look at food in a totally different way than I used to. I don't consume empty calories. If I'm going to have a treat it better be good not some cheap fast food or bag of greasy chips.

I realized that before I would ate out of boredom....what the fuck?! I notice that because ow I have too much on my hands. I have good freelances, an xbox360 with interesting games, books to read, new movies I haven't seen and friends to call. Specially Eli, she's the one that convinced me to try Weight Watchers. Besides all the stuff we always talk we also discuss our eating habits and what we had for dinner and so on. Is helping both of us to stay focus on our bikini goal. I could be losing more if I could get my ass to sit on the stationary bike more often of get running on the treadmill. Shame on me! I have both sitting petty and getting all dusty.

I'm on the verge of temptation because my mom is sick. I haven't been able to go to work this week and I'm taking care of both my parents. I haven't binged or ate stuff I'm not supposed to because I'm aware it will like walking backward but I've been close. The other night I almost buy some cookies I'm not supposed to even look. I can eat one, there's nothing wrong with that. But I know in my heart that I'm going to eat half the box instead of just one cookie. So why bring the temptation home.

Last night I gave myself a chance and have some of the cookies I bake, which are lighter than the ones I almost brought. I had a movie night with Frances and I bake those for us. After all I've been through, I needed a small treat not a box of extra sinful cookies.

Today is a new day, like any other addict I think of my drug...chocolate. And like any recovering addict I'm taking one day at a time. It requires a lot of strength and love...love from me to me.

He's just not that into me

2009-03-21T18:40:00.002-04:00

No matter how he looks into my eyes, no matter how I daydream about his embrace, his kisses, I have to keep in mind that everything is going to destroy me little by little. I'm doing the best to make myself happy. Not to sit down in the dark and cry. Cry...oh! I did that last night while driving back home. I haven't done that since Mr P.

Like Gigi, in HJNTIY, I'm getting a hold of my life. Not only I'm loosing weight, I'm paying my bills on time and everyday I make the effort to get out of the house looking good. I always say that I don't regret what I do but for the first time I'm thinking it twice. I acted as if it was right for me but wrong for others. He said he felt closer to me. Funny...I feel like a total stranger. I promised myself that it was the last time I'll hurt myself like that. Don't be mad at him, it was also my fault.

It could have been a beautiful thing but at the end he's just not that into me.

Lucky 13!

2009-03-16T10:04:00.003-04:00

Happy St Patty!!!! I am celebrating 13 pounds less on my frame, woohooo!!!!! Also yesterday was my birthday! I had a little party on Saturday and all my good friends came over. I did my best not to eat too much but I can't say the same thing about alcohol! I was tipsy all night. Yesterday I was a little bummed out but it was because of the hang over. I wanted to stayed in bed all day. Unfortunately I had stuff to do. :) But thanks to all my friends that showed up and send me messages on facebook! I love you all.

The best reason to exercise

2009-03-08T22:13:00.002-04:00

I think most women can relate to Bridget. I know I do. You see, after my drink and a few hours plugged at my xbox so I wouldn't think, I decided to make some money. So, I went to the kitchen and made a big batch of shortbread cookies to sell tomorrow at work. While the cookies were at the oven I hopped on my stationary bike and pedaled away my pain. Just like Bridget I was running away from my problems with men. Faster faster faster!!!!!! Also because I promised myself that instead of eating my sadness it would be much better to get fit.

Having a drink

2009-03-08T18:04:00.004-04:00

A moment ago I was anxious, nervous and I could feel my heartbeat going too fast on my neck. I was looking for "agua de azahar" which naturally calm nerves. I couldn't found it but I did found my bottle of 12 years old whiskey. I poured some over ice and wha-lah! I'm cool again. I'm not drinking to get drunk, let me clarify that. I just needed the calming effects of alcohol and I am still playing with the ices of my drink.

Here's the deal. What happens when in so many years you had held inside of you feelings you didn't even remember you had? What do you do when you see an opening door that you thought was always closed? Once you let go of the brakes, what happens when you are stumbling down with no direction and too fast to stop? You get the illusion that the door is opening and once you get close it slams right in your face. I'm pushing the brakes but they seen to be broken, my fault for hitting on them too much. I'm always blaming myself by the way. I was brought an only child so everything was MY fault. HA!

Today while my mother was talking to my aunts I went to my la-la land. Thanks to the fact that they are always asking me if I have a boyfriend or why I am so fat. In my doze I remembered an old conversation between me and Mr P that made me extremely sad to the point that I almost shed a tear right there in the living room of my widow aunt.

I'm thinking this because not too long ago someone apparently made a decision and I was in a minimal way, part of the choices. Mr P's balance was living in Colorado or me. We all know he chose Colorado. Then enters someone else and after all it was me between her. He chose her closing the door right in my face. Breaking my heart knowing how much I've been through already.

Yeah I need this fucking drink.

Meanwhile....

2009-02-23T16:49:00.003-05:00

I remember when I was in college I had this friend that used to be skinny and when I met her she was more than chubby. She hardly wore any makeup, her hair was in an almost permanent state of greasiness and wore frumpy clothes all the time. Let's not talk about all her "other" problems which for me they were completely trivial. She had money, a car, a supporting mother closed by and a freaky boyfriend. But this girl had a really low self esteem because she was fat. Me on the other hand was far away from my mother, living alone for the first time, no boyfriend, a few good friends; language barrier is a bitch because I was so blunt talking that I sounded kinda rude for some sensitive people besides I was a little bit shy. But on my case I studied/painted hard and took great care of my appearance. Yes, once in a while I would go to morning class on my pajamas but be sure that they were cute and I was clean. On my freshmen year one Barbie girl from the sorority I was pledging told me once "You always have the cutest shirts!!!!" Indeed I did! I was the chubby girl with make up, a slight tan, great hair, painted toes and cute clothes. The exotic girl with the accent. I never knew I was exotic until I went away. Man I wish I was back there!!! I would had been friendlier with the guys. Anyway the point is, I was fat but I didn't let that stop me from feeling sexy, being flirty and polish my looks.

I don't hide behind frumpy clothes...hell no! Here I am in black cargo pants and a tight shirt with big pink hearts across my chest, cute shoes, cute pigtails and make up. I do have my days were I feel like crap but those are the days that I have to make an extra effort to look good. While I'm loosing weight and changing eating habits I'm putting more attention to my hair and what I'm wearing. I'm not waiting until I get to the bikini goal, I'm working to look hot NOW!

I should have smile

2009-02-17T12:52:00.002-05:00

Today I officially weight ten pounds less. What's the big deal with WW? Simple. I'm just eating right; more veggies and fruits, drinking lots of water and making better choices during lunch and dinner time. Do I miss chocolate? No, because I can have a piece or two without breaking any rules. My lack of smile is about something else. I'm in a secret war. I have a 50% chances of winning and 50% of loosing. Someone told me I actually had a 83% of winning but I don't want to underestimate my enemies.

I'm tired of being at the sidelines watching. I already entered the game...oh stupid game.

WW Rules!

2009-02-12T13:31:00.003-05:00

Llevo -7 desde que me puse en serio a seguir los puntos que me dice Weight Watchers. Llevo tres meses de membresía y subia y bajaba las mismas 5 libras porque no estaba tomando en serio las puntuaciones de las comidas y seguia con mi emotional eating. Si trabajaba tarde me comia la pizza grasosa que traian a la oficina y me zumbaba el refresco regular. Ummm... muy mal. Tengo la gabeta de la oficina llena de healthy snacks, latas de sopa y sprite zero entre otras cosas. No he podido treparme en mi bici desde el domingo porque me he estado amaneciendo aca en la agencia. Pero no he flaqueado a comer porquerias. Hoy casi peleo con el mesero/bartender del hard Rock porque mi sandwich lo queria con un side salad en vez de las papas fritas. El tipo em dice que no se puede. Y le digo pues me traes el sandwich solo, no quiero ver ni una papita en el plato. Me puedes traer veggies o ensalada nada de papa!!!! El tipo vio mi determinación y al rato me dice que dressing quieres para tu side salad? Jejeje Mire a M que estaba allí y le digo bajito "es que si me trae papas me las voy a comer."

By the way, si alguien se pregunta cual es mi goal, cuando digo bikini no es para estar jala de flaca tipo modelo anorexica de revista si no un cuerpo como el de abajo. I'm a sexy mama now...imaginense lo que viene por ahi!!!!

Happy Belated New Year!

2009-01-09T10:05:00.006-05:00

Oh yeah I'm back. Even that I was home during the holidays I stayed away from the diet and my blog. I ended up gaining 5 pounds but considering it was the holidays that wasn't that bad. I didn't indulged too much on crap. So this last Monday I started again. Eli is doing way better than me. We have this deadline, march 2010. Not bad! I want to be in better shape. In my teenage days I thought/dreamed that at 30 something I'll be married and maybe with a kid and of course I would be kinda skinny. Why kinda skinny? My body wasn't made to be skinny, I'll look awful and awkward. Anyway, When I was 20 something the kid factor was a no-no to the extend that my longest and serious relationship went down the drain because of that. Later on I meet someone else, the infamous Mr P, and the idea of at least one kid didn't seem so bad. I wanted to give him baby. Problem was that he didn't wanted a baby and later he didn't wanted me. Bla, bla, bla, fuck it.

The baby issue doesn't bother me so much. I take care of my parents and they act sometimes like brats. They fight, they get sick and I give them their meds, I tuck them to sleep...I am not kidding and on the rare occasion I cook when my mom doesn't feel too good. I take care of the house, I pay the bills. At the end of the day I am drained. I think, what if I was married with kids? Could I be able to handle all this? Last year at the office four coworkers welcomed to their homes new babies. For the first time I was actually jealous. Tick tock tick tock says my biological clock and I'm hitting the snooze with all my might. I'm screaming "shut uuuuppp!!!" at the top of my lungs.

All I wanted for christmas was...

2008-12-26T00:21:00.002-05:00

That my mom wouldn't complain of feeling bad or sick.
That I wouldn't feel so lonely.

That's all I really wanted and I didn't got it.

My mom hardly slept last night because she was in pain. She was better during the day but again in bed she's complaining about her knees and she shaking for no reason. I gave her something and hope she feels better. I don't really know what else to do to make her happy.

My sister lied to me today and I caught her in mid lie. Why she lied to me? I'm not her enemy but her only ally.

I got many text messages but no one really called me to say Merry Christmas. Both my parents cried because I gave them presents and they had nothing for me. I told them that all I wanted was for them to be happy and I meant it. At least I know my dad is, mom is harder.

4 libras menos y un catarro

2008-12-09T16:44:00.002-05:00

Por echona. Todo el mundo en mi trabajo estaba podrio y yo feliz porque ni habia estornudado. Ja y paf en medio del fin de semana un catarro bello de esos con un roto de la nariz tapa'o y goteando. Eso sí, las buenas noticias es que la semana pasada como trepe mi fat ass en la bici tres veces en la semana y segui los puntitos de WW, baje 4 libras. Yo bien lucia los apunté en el site y en vez de felicitarme el site me regañó. Que 4 libras es mucho para una semana. Oh crap! Believe me, my fat ass is not going to miss 4 pounds.
Anyway no es como que estaba comiendo lechuga con agua o diet coke como hacen las modelos. I was eating lo que pasa es que aceleré con el work out.
Bikini here I come!!!!

Making a comeback...

2008-12-04T14:31:00.002-05:00

Ok so I haven't been blogging about the diet or any of my daily mundane things. I'm kinda back. It's been a whole month since I joined weight watchers (online). I'm trying their approach and it's been good. I am the one that behaved badly. During Thanksgiving week I spitted on the face of the WW points. Such a bad girl. I even indulged in too many chocolate pieces.

But here I am, apple in hand and keeping score of the daily points I'm allowed to eat during each day. I'm not alone. Eli is also doing this and we keep tabs on each other. Eli and I used to live together during college years. I totally adore her and we know ourselves too well, even our weak points. We give support to each other. She lives in Orlando, so the communication is via text msg and msn. Best part? I'm actually enjoying this, which can make the difference. Also, I'm opening my heart again. My body needs the rush of feeling in love.

Oh yes, since I started WW I lost 7 but then because of my misbehavior I gained 4 back. That will teach me.

Sana competencia...

2008-11-04T20:26:00.002-05:00

Durante mi vida estudiantil en la universidad tuve el privilegio de tener las mejores roomates. Hasta Sol que los cuentos que hago de ella le paran los pelos a cualquiera. Pero come on you have to love her. Anyway mi favorita de las tres que tuve es Eli. Con ella vivi tres años porque se graduó antes que yo. Tuvimos nuestros rought patches...el peor fue totalmente mi culpa. Pero lo superamos. Ya van 12 años que nos conocemos. Shit....como pasa el tiempo. Anyway, ella al igual que yo está luchando con los chichos. Así que decidimos ponernos en competencia a ver quien rebaja más. Ella vive en Florida así que los updates son via text message y el teléfono. Ella va a reuniones de Weight Watches mientras yo estoy logeando en la página de WW todos los días y siguiendo la guía de puntos...not bad. Se me ha hecho más fácil que otras dietas para decir verdad. Cuál es el goal? El bikini of course junto con un viajecito en crucero. Yum! No piensen mal, el viaje en crucero no es por la comida. Ya he ido antes y la gente me da asco con las harteras que se dan como si se fuese acabar la comida. Asqueroso.

Al paso que vamos ella lleva 5 libras y yo 4. En esta competencia las dos ganamos. :)

El otro issue que he estado tratando recientemente es más delicado que todo esto. Hacen años atras yo tiré la toalla en una lucha del corazón que ni siquiera hice aguaje de entrarle. (No estoy hablando de Mr.P esa lucha la perdí and I'm OK with it.) En esta simplemente di dos pasos hacia atrás y vi con un bowl de pop corn desde bien cerca como todo se desarrollaba. Y eventualmente se desmoronaba una y otra vez. Hasta los otros días me dieron ganas de gritar en las palabras de Bob Dylan "...why wait any longer for the one you love when he's standing in front of you?". No wonder es una de mis canciones favoritas.

Que vergueza...

2008-11-04T19:44:00.004-05:00

No se ni como empezar a decir esto...
Hoy han sido las elecciones y pese a lo que yo pensaba de que la gente se habia comportado, me hicieron quedar mal. No hago nada más que abrir la página de un periódico del país para ver el titular bochornoso de que en mi Pueblo había un motín. Lo más ridiculo es que el motín lo crearon los seguidores del partido que ganó. A ver alguien que me explique la mentalidad retógrada de estos pendejos? Motín por qué carajos??? Si ganaron!!!! Lo triste es que hacen un mojón de motín por politequeria barata pero nadie levanta fuerzas en contra de la corrupción, la chavacanería de los cabrones senadores porque si hay cafres en el gobierno sólo dé un vistazo en el Senado. Pero que digo yo si los primeros cafres son los que votan ciegamente por estos partidos. Nada más hay que salir a la calle y verlos tocando bocina con las banderas ridículas saliendo de las ventanas del carro. Me refiero a todos, no a un partido específico.

Aqui ya nadie ama la patria, nadie le importa un culo si nos venden hasta la madre, Aqui ya no quedan próceres ni mucho menos rebeldes con fe de verdadero cambio. Que mira que me jode el slogan del partido ganador, cambio ni cambio. Give me a fucking break!!! Pueden pensar que soy un sour loser pero en realidad no seguí a ninguno de los cuatro partidos. No soy popular, pnp, ppr ni pip. Ninguno me paga el sueldo. Todos me roban en los taxes. Que piense lo que piense mucha gente, son un mal necesario gracias a la embrolla que tiene el país. El alza en los precios, la baja en la economía, la escaces en los trabajos y otros males más no son aquí na'más... mire pa' lante y vea que la crisis es mundial y sólo unos poco$ están pensando: "Crisis? Qué crisis?"

Mi abuela es lo más cercano que me queda de ver a un verdadero rebelde vivo. Esa mujer con coraje y valor fué una de las pioneras de un partido que creia y tenía fé de la libertad. El mismo partido hoy en día ni sabe porque están ahi. Sólo pelean por un mísero 3% para quedarse cobrando un sueldo. Yo sé que ella no votó por ellos. Ya la han defraudado bastante. Yo jugué ajedrez con mi voto. Tratando de darle mi confianza para ver si de verdad hacen algo por la patria, literalmente. El tiempo dirá.

My trip....

2008-09-30T14:43:00.006-04:00

I had a great time...no erase that. I had a fucking awesome great time! My trip was beyond my expectations. Even the time I spent in the planes were a pleasure. But now and then I stop and cry a little bit because I feel like a big chunk of my heart was left behind. I'm sad because I don't know when I will see him or any of his family again. My mom was worried that I would be treated bad. She was so wrong. I'm still deeply in love with him and now with his family. I was so worried about his mom. But as soon as we were introduced she hugged me with tremendous love vibes. He had to work so she asked for the day off so she could take me to the top of Pikes Peak. To go there you take a tour train. It was beautiful and we never stopped talking all the way up and down.

You see, she and her mom knew my mom. My mom had a beauty parlor two houses down were they lived. We both were telling each other stories. She told me even some family secrets and I even knew some because Mr P had told me some. The fact that I knew so much about them had a great meaning. She said, "Edgar (Mr P) doesn't communicate too much about his stuff, less talk about his feelings." She knew about me but I never knew at what extend she knew about my relationship with him. She asked me to tell her the story of how we met and found out that we were connected years before we even were born. I told her we were mean to know each other and we are great friends. Mr P told me that at one point he called her to ask how I was doing with her and she told him "I love her, she's adorable...can we keep her??"

Anyway she's very light spirited and relax, exactly what I needed. We talked about books, cooking, religion, politics, history, chismes de familia, you name it! At one point she looked at me and told me out of the blue, "He's my son and I love him to death and I couldn't wish for anyone better than you to be with him but...don't wait for him. If he realize on time what he has on his hands, good for him; but don't waste yourself for anyone not even him." She read me. I could have gone to Disney World but I chose to go to see him. I wanted one more time on his arms. I wanted another chance to see if I could break the wall but I just hit my head against it one more time.

He went as far as he could so I could had a great time. I have to give him that. And he missed me dearly and wanted me around. But I am, for him, his best friend and confident. I am very special for him... but I am not the love of his life, like he is for me. Which is completely unfair. Why the fuck I have to feel like that??? I got mad at myself at one point. Besides all the heart matter, that I kept to myself anyway, everything was great. I visited Old Colorado City, Manitou (which I loved!!), had a shopping spree at Lane Bryant and Bath and Body Works stores, I ate fondue!!!, ate caramel appples and did many cool things. :D

It was one of the best vacations ever. My heart is ok. The emptiness is going little by little. How? I have some many great friends that is impossible not to feel good. Besides I know he loves me on his own terms and that's fine by me. I let my heart free and like his mom suggested I am not waiting for him anymore.

On a last note....I did lose 3 pounds!!!!

In just a few days

2008-09-20T23:15:00.005-04:00

I am gone!!!! Woohoo finally! I had a scare with my mom recently. She's been sick. I was praying that it wasn't because I was leaving. My grandma is the one that do that kind of theatrics, but since my mom has the same blood, you never know. Anyway I took her to the doc and after some blood tests and a CT scan he told her "You are fine! You probably have some fart stuck in your guts." Then looked at me and told me "Go on your vacation and enjoy it!"

First I was scare but everybody told me "goooooo you need and deserve those days off".
Yes I do!!! I am going to have a blast I can feel it!!! I'm 10 pounds less and full of energy. (That thanks to a multi vitamin shot that a friend of my mom's gave me...auch!)

Loosing weight and gaining hope...

2008-09-08T10:56:00.004-04:00

OK last month I finally lose 9 pounds and I gained my mother's respect and the understanding that I AM an adult. I finally sit down with her and told her that I am going away on vacation to my friend's house. That was not the problem, the problem was that my friend happens to be a guy and my ex boyfriend. She got mad, then sad...now she finally accepted that I am woman that has need. I also might add that I still love him too much.
He's been calling more often which is a nice surprise and last night he said something unexpected. "I can't wait for you to be here with me." To be honest I never expect him to say that. I wasn't expecting anything at all just to go there and have a good time and come back. I'm still are but just a little reassured that we are going to have a blast and like he said "We are finally going to be able to just fall asleep together without having to rush somewhere." I hope so.

The pic is from the cover of the soundtrack of my all time favorite movie which I am rescuing from a friend's house TONIGHT!

Los cojones de la gente

2008-08-27T16:35:00.002-04:00

Los artistas graficos estamos medios jodios. Por varias razones. Primero la industria esta saturada de bobolones que no han tocado una universidad pero sí saben usar el illustrator y el photoshop. Muchos de esos casos no tienen noción de gusto ni saben quien carajos es Milton Glaser. Um quién es? Fue quién creo la imagen de I (heart) NY. Segundo, los artista gráfico no estan unionados. Que significa eso? Pues que no hay un sindicato o algo que porteja nuestros derechos. El Graphic Artist Guild es lo más cercano a uno, aun así se lo pasan por el culo. Por qué el tema hoy? recientemente una compañera d etrabajo de alguien que conozco necesitaba un logo. Le dieron mi numero de telefono y me llamo para decirme que necesitaba. Ya sabia que le habian hecho un logo para su negocio pero le hicieron lo que no queria y no lo quizo...ahi empieza mi preocupación. No habló con el otro artista. me dicen que es que el otro artista se negó a cambiar el logo. Ya el trabajito me huele feo. Aún asi la calle esta dura asi que le meto mano, le envio 4 opciones que estan dentro de lo que me pidió junto con mi rate card. Que realmente son más que razonable mis precios. Se echa una semana me contesta via email que estan muy lindos pero que mis precios estan muy caros y no puede pagarlos. A ha... y los logos me los meto por el culo?

La gente tiene la mala costumbre de hacer ese tipo de cosas a los artistas. Ahora que no me de a mi con pedirle que me haga un traje de baño a algun diseñador. Le doy mis medidas, le pido una tela especial, colores y especificaciones. El diseñador me hace el traje de baño como lo pido. Yo lo veo me encanta pero cuando veo el precio le digo, "Um no tengo los chavos, pero muchas gracias por el tiempo y esfuerzo." La manda pal carajo que me van a dar va a ser insólita y terminaré pagandole 20 a 20 el dichoso traje de baño. Pero en mi caso no tengo quien defenda mis derechos porque no hay un contrato. Y yo los hago pero cuando haces alternativas de logo nadie te firma un contrato, le huyen como a la plaga. Así que quien me paga las horas que estuve haciendo research, dibujando y traqueteando los logos en mi compu en casa? Y no es la primera vez para colmo. Es más yo hice una campaña completa para un restaurant de un supuesto amigo y al final desaparecio debiendome $1,300 y yo pagando $400 a un suplidor de mi bolcillo. Tras que le cobré super barato me clavó por la espalda el muy cabrón.

Sólo espero que el karma se ocupe de cada uno. Karma is a bitch and she loves me!

De una en una

2008-08-27T12:30:00.004-04:00

Parece que voy de 1 en 1; pero eso esta bien, malo es que aumente de 1 en 1. En total llevo 6 libras. Eso si, llevo dos días que me he queda'o pegá y no me he levantado para ir a caminar con F. What the hell!? No escucho la alarma, I swear!!!!! Para colmo como ha estado lloviendo no se me pone el cuarto tan claro como de costumbre. Esta brutal me siento super culpable. El martes hice ejercicios por la tarde cuando llegué a casa; pero ayer no hice un carajo. Estuve ocupadita haciendo otras cosas. *smirk*

Anyway tengo la vena creativa reventandose. He estad inventando cosas nuevas en la cocina. Ya soy una experta haciendo pizza...tremendo pa'l adieta lo se! Pero con moderación todo se puede...como con el alcohol. JA! Anyway, entre los nuevos inventos ademas de la pizza esta un bizcocho de strawberry que aun debo perfeccionarlo. Tambien estan los cake balls...que suena bien sugestivo pero es exactamente eso, bolitas de bizcocho cubiertas de chocolate. Las primeras que hice el chocolate tenia menta y a casi todo el mundo le gusto pero hay personas que consideran la combinación un asco. Con todo y que lo advertí cada vez que veia una cara de asco al morderlas me daban ganas de darle una bofetá en la cara. Peores cosas te metes en la boca, coño!!!!

El próximo es un bizcocho de mocah y ron. Hic hic hic! Y que conste que yo hago todas esas ricuras pero apenas las pruebo por la dieta. Palabra de niña escucha.... que nunca fui.

La foto es de Bakerella de ella tomé la receta de hacer las bolas.

Meet Ramon!

2008-08-19T17:00:00.003-04:00

Mi nuevo asistente y trainer!!!

5 libras menos

2008-08-19T11:51:00.004-04:00

Baby steps pero que rico. En dos semanas he bajado 5 libras. Pero hoy descubri algo mejor, en junio me habia medido y hoy me dio con medirme nuevamente. Busque las medidas viejas para comparar y he bajado entre una y dos pulgadas en las areas medidas. NOW eso hace la diferencia, porque asi se acomoda mejor la ropa. Lo hice porque estaba medio frustrada...5 libras na mas???? What the hell!!??? Pero me di auto-terapia y me dije "loca algo tiene que estar pasando porque no way in hell estas comiendo como antes y estas haciendo ejercicios todos los dias." Comparado al estilo de vida que estaba llevando es un cambio del cielo a la tierra. El sábado pasado salí al cine con un amigo y me dijo. "Te ves mas recogida..." Me encanta esa palabra, porque cada vez que estoy fuera de control, me siento asi, all over the place. Yeah sexu mama on the making!

Hoy Z me va a traer un bunny que ella cocio. Estoy super emocionada porque lo vi en su facebook y le eche flores porque yo soy un freak de los conejos. Ella me dijo que si lo queria ella me lo regalaba para que lo adoptara y le sacara muchas fotos!!! Como decir que no?? Es irresistible!!! Se llama Ramon, ya despues estare posteando sus fotos.

el antes...

2008-08-08T17:26:00.003-04:00

Lo triste es que despues que yo vi esa foto en el 2004, sali corriendo (literalmente) a Jenny Craig y me apunte. Baje alrededor de 30 libras y me iba muy bien. Deja la dieta, la coji de nuevo, luego me enamore, deje la dieta, subi, baje, subiiii, baje y finalmente subi un monton. Un fucking yo-yo.

El problema conmigo es que no me doy cuenta lo cebá que estoy hasta que llego a extremos como ese. Yo en el espejo, al contrario de las anorexicas, me veo (me creo) flaca. La foto es el espejo real. Esa es una foto a la cual no posé, no me avisaron para meter la panza, parame derecha y buscar la manera de esconder la papa. Me cogieron en todo mi explendor chichustico. Me deprimo? Un poco pero no para esconderme y echarme a llorar. Lo cojí en serio esta vez y estoy planenado mis comidas y evitando a toda costa comer de más o fuera de horas. No es fácil pero no imposible. Y si un montón de personas lo han logrado porque yo no??? A mi lo que me pasa es el embuste del espejo. En parte no es malo porque me hace sentir bella etc. Pero no puedo dejar llevar por el. Sólo dejarlo de ego boost.

Ya no hay excusas. Pero lo más que me ha costado es hacer los ejercicios y más aún levantarme temprano para hacerlos.

Desde el martes me he estado levantando temprano y me he ido a caminar a la pista. Ha sido muy buena experiencia porque el dia se me hace largo, llego temprano a la agencia y aunque suene clichoso me siento llena de energía.

I'm baaack!!!

2008-08-06T13:01:00.005-04:00

Ay si estaba como que de vacas, pero del blog, porque mis vacaciones veraniegas sólo se pueden resumir en dos idas a la playa y par de bbq nights en casa con mis amistades. Las vacaciones de que me tomo un avión y me largo van a ser en septiembre y con más razón tengo que bajar de peso y acomodar las carnes.
Esta semana empecé a caminar con F. La semana pasada habia hecho cardio y yoga. Pero me estaba comiendo el mundo con la excusa de que estaba haciendo ejercicios. El domingo me compré una pesa nueva porque la mia estaba tirando unas cifras raras. La váscula era una de esas old school. Me compré una digital que me da hasta las onzas. Cuando me pesé me di cuenta que no habian bajado un carajo, al contrario habia engordado. Sea la madre! Las cosa se puso pelúa es ahora o nunca. primero tengo el viajecito que quiero estar regia y el otro es la boda de mi mejor amiga. Wish me luck and success!

Scratching my head

2008-07-23T16:38:00.002-04:00

I always have some weird guy story. As I grow old my stories are not that weird but just common. Last one is Mr. Frank, he adquired the nickname for being too honest. Which is fine, I guess. We went out, had a blast, talk on the phone, flirted hard core, went out again and after a heavy session of makeout he said, "Don't fall in love with me, please." When he leaned to kiss me again I ducked his lips. I was beyond upset, not because I was in love nor was having fantasies of our wedding, none of that. But it hurt my ego big time. Why not? I was so eager to fall in love again and he just swapped the idea like a nasty bug. Mother Fucker.

It worked fine in the end. I finally got the courage to ask for my vacation days and brought a ticket to some place far from here. Whenever I spent money on me I feel guilty, I don't know why...is my money anyway.

Liquid Lunch

2008-07-17T14:20:00.003-04:00

hic hic....
sorry Se supone que de almuerzo iba a pedir media jarra de snagria y al final dije "traeme una jarra de sangria". Ahhh que se joda!!!! Nos la tomamos TODA entre dos. Llegue a la oficina super happy con todo y la tonga de trabajo que tengo. El unico down side es que el aire de mi carro esta vago,..creo que me quede si gas de nuevo...damn it.

Anyway hoy vino de nuevo mi compañero de trabajo a ponerme el crotch casi en la cara. me explico. Cuando estoy sentada en mi escritorio si el se para a mi lado su crotch me quede ahi frente casi en la cara. Y se para ahi con todo el proposito del mundo a arreglarse el pantalon. Por que miro? Porque esta a 8 pulgadas de distancia de mi. Ademas que las feromonas que bota me marean. He made me look!!!! Sigh....

Hoy me levante grasiocita...

2008-07-16T10:05:00.002-04:00

Quiero dedicarle este videito a Eli y sus gatitos Moto, Cepillin y Manolo. Cats rule!!!

Net Flasher

2008-07-02T16:34:00.004-04:00

Hoy me escribió un tipo por el msn y yo no tenía ni puta idea de quien era. En su esfuerzo para que yo lo recordara me dijo: "yo te puse mi cámara y me viste desnudo". Huh???!! Le dije "lo siento pero no me acuerdo." Y en serio, no se quién carajos es. Si yo fuera él me moriría de la vergüenza porque no me impresionó con lo que me enseñó...o se cree él que es el único que me ha flasheado? *bostezando* Come the fuck on!!!! Been there, done that, brought a t-shirt and came back a couple more times.

Me encojona la tranquilidad con que los hombres sacan sus bellaquerias por el msn sin reparos. Coño, haga lo mismo en una barra a ver si no lo sacan a patadas del lugar. Dónde está la ética? Para mi eso es un no-no. No por prude, si no porque eso es algo que se habla entre dos. Es una armonía, una complicidad. Eso no es forma de swept me off my feet, al contrario. Juan del Pueblo me lo quiere enseñar y a mi sólo me dan ganas de patearlo. Mr P, quien es a quien yo realmente amo, me propone ponernos friskey por el net y es una aventura. Ven la diferencia?

Si no te conosco realmente no me interesa verte desnudo. Para eso estan las revistas porn y ahi si que se ven mejores cosas. Buajajaja!!!!

Pide perdon y perdona...

2008-06-30T22:23:00.002-04:00

Muchas veces perdemos tanto tiempo enojados. A mi me pasa. Me encojono y me tranco, boto sapos y culebras por la boca hasta que me quedo vacía. Hace exactamente 6 meses ocurrió un mal entendido en donde las dos partes nos ofendimos y no doblamos el lomo. Así de simple. Que no, que no y que no!!!!

Cada intento que yo hacia por rectificar se iba a la mierda. El viernes murió su mamá. Días antes yo sabía que eso iba a ocurrir. No me pregunten como, yo sólo lo sabía. Tenía un ensayo completo en mi cabeza, los pro, los cons, tu hiciste, el dijo, yo dije, etc. Hoy lunes en el funeral no se necesitó decir mucho. Nos confundimos en un abrazo y le dije llorando, "regresa a casa por favor."

Yo sé que sí te necesito y tu me necesitas a mi. Te amo como una hija, como una hermana, como una amiga. Y más aún, mami te extraña demasiado.

You made history...RIP

2008-06-24T16:03:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I read a truly sad new. No, it wasn't another crime in the Enchanted Island nor it was another raise in gas prices. George Carlin died. I don't have cable anymore so I read the news monday morning via internet. Like Z said "It feels like someone in my family died." His views on daily bullshit that we consider normal was eye opening. I adored him for that. His comedy made me think and laugh almost to the point of peeing my pants. I'm going to miss you George.

Buscando un ojito para Annai...

2008-06-20T16:55:00.001-04:00

Por que no bajo una libra....

2008-06-20T16:30:00.005-04:00

Quiero echarle la culpa a lo rico que es comer, a mi buen gusto y lo fácil que se me hace cocinar, especialmente los dulces. Le tomé prestada la foto a Joy the baker, ahi les puse el link para enseñarles las maravillas que ella hace. Y yo cogiendo ideas para mis experimentos en la Kitchen Aid.

Creo que no he mencionado aqui que ademas de pintar, diseñar y dibujar me gano la vida (la gasolina) horneando pecados. Hubo un tiempo en que podía hacer bandejas y bandejas de galletas y no tocaba una. Pero mi resistencia ha bajado la guardia y por lo menos una me como. No hay cosa más rica que una galletita tibiecita. Debería haber una cirujía en el cual te puedan trastear con el metabolismo. Porque mira que el mio es vaaaaagoooooo!!!

Porque me da la gana...

2008-06-12T16:36:00.003-04:00

Con tanta cosa pasando no sólo en el país si no también en mi casa/trabajo no habia podido sentarme a escribir. Hace un tiempo en mi último post me hicieron un comentario sobre de que me salgo del tema. En realidad no. Mi blog es sobre mi y todo lo que me interese a mi. Por qué entonces la crónica de una dieta? Porque yo vivo en una dieta constante. La mención de lo que como o no como diariamente seria de lo más aburrido.

Asi que escribo lo que me da la gana.

Además en este mundo todo el mundo tiene que decir o criticar. Diariamente mi trabajo es mirado bajo una lupa y tengo que hacer lo que me digan. "porque no mueves el logo mas a la izquierda? Yo subiria esa línea un centímetetro más?" Aveces me les quedo mirando y pienso "porque no te vas a la mierda? que mueva una línea no va a resultar en más ventas." La mayoría de los cambios no son estéticos, son pa'joder, punto. Pero como me pagan por hacerlo, me quedo callada. Ahora, este blog nadie me paga, es mio. Me salgo del tema? Y??? Si te causa traumas mentales busca ayuda inmediatamente. :D A los que no les importa pues siempre son bienvenidos aqui! Gracias por leer, por comentar y por reirse conmigo.

Because I also think of NYC as a place to find love and fashion

2008-06-02T23:16:00.003-04:00

I just went out to see the Sex and the City Movie. I should have seen it the same day that got out but I was waiting for a call from someone. Waiting for the perfect person to go with, waiting for the perfect moment. Then today it hit me. Why wait? My perfect moment is NOW. And yes I ended going with a perfect person. We had a blast. I loved the movie. I need to have my series and that movie. I know what I want for Christmas already!

I used to think that I was Carrie. But I am a little bit of each one. I'm a sweety dreamer like Charlotte, I'm analytic like Miranda, I'm bold and sometimes come too strong like Sam and finally I'm smart, wittty and indesisive like Carrie.

If you love the series and haven't yet seen the movie...what are you waiting for???
This is a must see. I don't give a fuck what other people say, or critics. I hardly ever read critics. I saw that movie and felt that it was made for me. Made for me because I wanted more of my girls, I missed them.

My Mr. Big? In my case is Mr. P.

Comiendo mierda...

2008-06-02T15:33:00.003-04:00

Eso es lo que llevo haciendo todo este tiempo con respecto a mi fabulosa dieta. Bajo 5, 10 libras y me olvido... me como el mundo. Paro. Vuelvo. Pausa!!! Eso no. Que se joda tengo stress!

Hoy comencé con lo más básico. Contando calorías. Si vieras la de mierda que se mete uno en el cuerpo. Yo evito mirar para no ver, ni darme cuenta que en una sola porción es posible que me coma las calorias requereidas en un día. Cuándo me volví tan comelona?

Lo malo de esto es que no dejas de pensar en la comida. Si no me preocupo en la "dieta" ni pienso en comida. Pero que no decida a ponerme a dieta y es una tortura china. De momento salen nuevos sabores, cosas nuevas, recetas nuevas para probrar...maldita sea.
Moderación...es la clave. Pero que rico es comer coño. Moderación te digo. Hoy me puse un límite. No ha sido tan malo.

No he visto SATVC y creo que hoy me voy a escapar a verla. Tengo un cine a 1 min de mi casa y apenas voy. Hoy es un buen día. Que pena que no se puede beber dentro del cine. Un cosmo mientras la peli debe ser un must!

Alivio contributivo...

2008-05-28T16:31:00.002-04:00

Hoy me llamó mami pa' decirme que me llegó un cheque. En parte que cool y en parte es un bitter sweet thing. Mis padres se supone que lo recibieran por estar los dos retirados pero yo los tengo como dependientes en mi planilla. So que eso les quita el derecho de recibir un cheque. Esta cabrón. Un padre con dependientes menores de 18 años recibe pero una persona que se hace cargo de sus viejos no? Ah come on! Thanks anyway! Pero me crea un conflicto, el dinero siempre crea un conflicto. M idea era darles la mitad y el reintegro darles algo tambien. Algo que no hace nadie. Yo nunca he recibido un cheque al cual a ellos no les haya dado nada. Siempre lo uso para los gastos de la casa, comida, etc. Mi bono de navidad el año pasado fue casi todo para ellos. Asi que cuando mi madre, cuando le dije que le iba a dar la mitad de este cheque y que con el otro me iba de vacaciones, me dice "pero recuerda que recibes esos chavos por nosotros". Como diciendome, nos los gastes en ti acuerdate que me TIENES que dar parte.

Basicamente no. El dinero que recibo del reintegro o del rebate es por lo que trabajo día a día. El gobierno en taxes me saca más de la mitad de lo que recibo de reintegro. Y los pongo ellos en la planilla porque aunque yo vivo con ellos yo cubro bastantes gastos de la casa y de ellos. O sea, sí son mis dependientes. Entonces, porque debo darles mi cheque completo? Si todo el año se estan beneficiando de mi ayuda y los carreteo a todas partes poniendo siempre sus deseos y necesidades ante las mias. Me deprime de sobre manera y hasta me hace maldecir el cheque por la situación que me pone.

Mi madre habla de mi prima que es una imbecil que tambien pone a los padres en la planilla. Si, pero ella no pone un chavo en la casa. Lleva a los padres a alguna parte pero ellos tienen que pagar la gasolina y suplicar. Es más el downpayment de ese carro que tiene se lo dio mi tia. MI carro? Ni una firma de nadie, todo de mi bolcillo y sin ayuda. Yo no le pido dinero para gasolina ni peaje a nadie.

En ningún momento he dicho que me voy a fututear los chavos. Por eso me molesta de sobre manera y me hace sentir como mierda que ella se me adelante a decirme esas cosas como si yo viviera chupandoles el vivir.

Que puedo decir hoy?

2008-05-27T21:46:00.003-04:00

Son las 10 pm aún estoy en la oficina. Ayer pasé un día lindo en la playa junto a una buena amiga. Pero los días así son tan poquitos y tan sublimes que me dejan deseando más. Hoy ha sido intenso, tengo la vista borrosa y sé que estoy como un hamster corriendo en una rueda que no me esta llevando a ninguna parte.

Al menos en casa me espera Dane Cook en un DVD. Ja!

Where's my love story?

2008-05-23T09:53:00.001-04:00

I hate facebook y con mas ganas la fascilidad con la que uno puede husmear en las fotos de los demás. Hoy estoy en uno de esos días que no soporto nada, a la menor provocación quiero salir gritando. Lo sé que no debo estar así, que debo controlarme, etc. Yo sé dónde estoy parada y sé cómo salir, asi que, Fuck off y déjame disfrutarme mi miseria, cuando me dé la gana salgo.

Además, de toda la mierda que le envian a uno y las aplicaciones que al principio eran cute ya se convierten en una plaga, mi problema es que tengo acceso a la vida de otros. Para muchos perverts/peeping toms/stalkers esto es un sueño hecho realidad. Las fotos familiares de familia y amigos me gustan, pero aveces me recuerdan el hecho de que en mis fotos falta algo. Dónde esta el amor de mi vida? Dónde está mi sonrisa conpartida? Dónde hay un niñito o niñita que salió de mi vientre? Dónde esta mi casa? Mi perro? Todas esas cosas que de niña pensaba que tendría mucho antes de los 30. Ya tengo 31. Aveces pienso que mi rebeldía de los 20, donde me iba de culo que no queria hijos, tiene la culpa de mi estatus actual.

Hace muchos años una bruja me leyó las cartas. Otra me habló en una fiesta. Me hablaron de mis exitos de trabajo, de la envidia de la gente, de mis viajes (que no he dado muchos). Una de ellas, la primera me dijo algo que no presté mucha atención pero al pasar del tiempo es lo más que me ha "haunted". Me dijo "Vas a tener problemas con el amor." No con el dinero, trabajo, salud....con el amor. Saben que? Hasta ahora ha tenido razón. MI experiencia con el "amor" no ha sido la más favorable. Claro que no le achaco la culpa al destino. No me paso las 24/7 pensando que la falta de un novio/amante/esposo/lo que sea se deba a una profesía que me dijo una doña con unas cartas. Pero no desmiento que a veces me pone a pensar...será verdad?

Mi primer novio serio me dejó después de cuatro años de relación. "Los dos queremos cosas diferentes..." me dijo. Lo cuál era cierto, él me llevaba 11 años, queria "settle down" y tener hijos. Yo tenia 24, no queria saber de bebes y queria ver el mundo. Fue una opción muy sabia el dejarnos. Mi segundo novio me duró 5 meses. Ufff... con ese me dí cuenta que nunca habia estado enamorada de verdad. Con él consideré fuertemente ser madre si me lo proponía, él mismo me puso en mi mente imágenes hogareñas y yo le sonreia e internamente bailaba un son de felicidad. Luego de la nada todo se derrumbó. Digo de la nada porque el derrumbe fue suyo. Desde antes de conocerme él tenia planes de mudarse y en un momento los compartió conmigo. Yo entré en un frenesí de demostrarle que yo era su mejor opción. Otras mujeres buscan formas negativas de llamar la atención, para mi fue todo lo contrario. Me hice más independiente, más creativa. El sueño de exponer en galerías lo habia olvidado y cuando estuve con él lo reviví. Tenía en mi mente la idea de hacerlo sentirse orgulloso de tenerme. He was...pero aún asi se fue. I was in love...él no. Si lo hubiese estado no se hubiese ido nunca. Duele admitirlo...siempre duele. Volvería con él? En un abrir y cerrar de ojos. Porque negarlo? Aveces pienso que mi enganche con él es lo que evita que conosca alguien nuevo. El tercer novio...ni deberia llamarse así. Yo le llevo 7 años. Fué más bien una compañía por un tiempo. Entre medio de ellos han habido más personas pero nunca han durado o ha sido tan serio como para mencionar. Hay unos quien fui yo quien los empuje fuera de mi vida mientras que para otros yo fui un fetiche, una amante, una amiga con privilegios, un paño de lágrimas...etc. Hace mucho tiempo nadie ha hecho el esfuerzo de impresionarme, de "swept me off my feet."

Busted!

2008-05-21T11:54:00.003-04:00

Me cago en los cobradores mil veces. Acabo de colgar con un gringo sobre una deuda de una compañía de teléfono en Sarasota, Fl del 1997. Sí, hacen fucking 10 años atrás dejé una deuda. Hace un año me contactaron y yo bien pendeja contesté el teléfono y fui bien coperadora. Big Mistake! Claro que no mandé ni un vellón y por eso hoy me llamaron con actitud. El tipo me decia que queria reschedule un pago y yo tarareando acá buscando una manera fina de decirle vayase al carajo. Lo que me sacó el mojtro fue cuando en una me pregunta algo y le digo... "I just don't know how to say this to you..." el muy arrogante me dice "do you want me to put you with someone that speaks Spanish?" le dije que no y me le cagué en la madre mentalmente. Me dió con averiguar mis derechos, después de que el tipo se harto de mi y casi me tira el teléfono. Resulta que si el año pasado yo no le hubiese contestado el telefono o no les contestaba las preguntas y me iba de culo que esa cuenta no era mia, no podian hacer nada legalmente porque eso era una cuenta muerta. Punto y se acabó. Sólo por moralidad pagaría la cuenta y con la crisis económica mi moralidad es tanta como la de una puta de la 15. Al yo haberles contestado y admitir de que si esa cuenta era mía me jodí. Reviví la deuda. El tipo me habia preguntado "How much do you want me to schedule you to pay?" "Nothing" le dije. Suspira desesperado y añande "You can't say nothing. Nothing is not a number." Y Miss Smarty Pants here le dijo " Well... you asked me how much I wanted to pay and I don't want to pay anything. I don't have any money. Like I told you before, I have never made any business with (name of company)." Que es cierto porque esa compañia compró la anterior así que basicamente esa deuda se va a pique. Mas razón aún pa encojonarme conmigo misma por pendeja. Finalmente le dije que le mandaba $10 someday pa ir empezando a pagar, no es mucho dinero lo que debo pero aún asi es una jodienda.

En otras informaciones la hija de mi sobrino mayor nació. Mi hermano me llamó ayer para ver si habia recibido las fotos y le dije que no, asi que lo iba a intentar de nuevo y lo oi cuando le dijo a mi sobrina que cogiera el telefno y apuntara mi email. Me quedo esperando oirla y hablar con ella, felicitarla porque se gradua de cuarto año etc... y me quedé con las ganas. La huelia esa no queria hablar conmigo. Mi hermano apuntó mi email y colgamos. Yo me quedé ENCABRONA. Primero porque yo siempre he sido bien cool con mi sobrina y la actitud de la pendejita esta me sacó por el techo. Segundo me hirió los sentimientos. Come on!!! no es como que me ve todos los días...para aclarar, mi hermano y toda la prole viven en Miami. Yo pensaba hacer el sacrificio e ir a verlos este verano pero cosas asi es lo que me hace pensar mejor en tomar el dinero e irme de vacaciones de verdad por ahi, no a encerrarme en una casa. FUCK THAT! Pa' eso me quedo en la mia.

CHANGE OF PLANS!

2008-05-12T13:35:00.003-04:00

Olvidate del bikini. Ahora el goal e ponerme ese traje sin parecer un globo. Tengo hasta diciembre!!!!

Challenge my ass

2008-05-08T10:15:00.010-04:00

Hoy me encontré con esta noticia sobre un libro donde cuenta la historia de una familia de pingüinos donde son dos papas y un hijo. Lleva dos años consecutivos recibiendo protestas y siendo "challenge", que hoy descubrí es la forma políticamente correcta de referirse a "banned". Eso de "challenge" me encojona tanto como cuando se refieren a alguien que es retardado o tiene alguna condición física. "Oh! He's challenge." A mi siempre me suena a hipocresía barata.

American Library Association explica lo que es un challenge; "A challenge is an attempt to remove or restrict materials, based upon the objections of a person or group. A banning is the removal of those materials. Challenges do not simply involve a person expressing a point of view; rather, they are an attempt to remove material from the curriculum or library, thereby restricting the access of others."

Estos libros no son porque sea mala literatura, sino porque le prende los botones a ciertas personas. Les incomoda la verdad, la violencia, la honestidad, actually yo diria que los "challended" son quienes se quejan de ellos. Porque esos libros te retan el racismo, la perverción, la homosexualidad, la violencia, la muerte, las creencias moralista, etc...
Dicen que son "open mind" porque tienen un "amigo" homosexual, se dan tres palos de vez en cuando y se rien de chistes frescos. Pero ponerle en las manos de su hijo un libro sobre una pareja gay JAMAS!!!! Preferimos ponerle una venda a nuestros hijos y que sigan con la tradición de ignorancia, racismo, maltrato...si maltrato. Porque cuando un niño no entiende a alguien que es diferente a él hace lo que ve a sus padres hacer; maltratar, brularse, etc. La portada de Primera Hora no puede ser mejor ejemplo, ley nueva en contra de lo bullies. Um....exacto!

Libros como "And Tango Makes Three" es una fuente bella de amor y educación sobre el tema para padres del mismo sexo. Los niños necesitan sentirse identificados. Si usted cree que porque su hijo lea un libro como este y sienta que cuando sea grande va a casarse con otro hombre y tener un hijo esta bien equivocado. La homosexualidad puede ser muchas cosas pero no es una conducta aprendida. El amor es bien personal e individual. Educar a sus niños sobre estos temas los hace abrir los ojos sobres los "issues" de nuetras sociedad. Le compraría yo un libro como este a mi sobrino (porque no tengo hijos). Si! Porque en un futuro yo no quiero a mi sobrino lleno de prejuicios pendejos. Quiero que sea una persona llena de compación, inteligente y poseedor de un sentido del humor increícle. Que ya lo denota al imitar como camina su abuelo. Nosotros en vez de ofendernos como haria cualquier gringo nos meamos de la risa y mi papa mismo le dice "dale otra vez!!!"

Usted cree que la gente sólo reta a libros sobre homosexualidad? Nop...me creerias que en la lista de los libros banned de las librerias públicas estan la serie de "Harry Potter"? Que tal "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", "Catcher in the Rye", "of Mice and Men"> Ni las joyas de la literatura se salvan. Que pasa con Huck? Pues es una novela racista. "In the night Kitchen" es un bello picture book sobre la imaginación de un niñito en una cocina. Que tiene de malo? El niño se quita la ropa y sale ilustrado con su pipi al aire. La explicación de Maurice Sendak (autor e ilutrador del libro) es que para evitar ensuciarse el niño se quitó la ropa. Para mi es una explicación razonable. La nena (2 años) de mi prima queria ayudar a lavar platos y mi tia le dijo que no porque se ensuciaba, asi que ella se quito la camisa y se trepó en un banquito para fregar. Digo, la gente protesta pero ese libro tiene 9 premios incluyendo entre ellos Best Children Book of 1970. Como dice una amiga, "la gente quiere ser mas papista que el Papa."

Claro que en el mundo existen aberraciones que hay que censurar. La línea entre el arte y la basura aveces es muy difícil de divisar. Pero de eso no estamos hablando aquí. En la lista de los challenge esta el libro de Madonna Sex. Tampoco hace sentido. Ese libro es dirgido a los adultos. Duh!

Mi teoría siempre es que si prohibes algo será lo más deseado. Umm..by the way casi todos los libros de la lista son best sellers, jejeje. Los dejo con este quote:

“It's not just the books under fire now that worry me. It is the books that will never be written. The books that will never be read. And all due to the fear of censorship. As always, young readers will be the real losers.” — Judy Blume

Botando sapos y culebras...

2008-05-04T23:46:00.002-04:00

entre otras cosas. Puede que sea que este PMSing, quien sabe. Hoy estoy en uno de esos días que si se me cuadra alguien al frente le rompo la crisma. Yo mentalmente me regaño, "como va a ser no digas eso!!!!"

El lunes pasado fuí con Luis a buscar mis obras porque según un email que recibí la expo acabó antes de tiempo y las piezas de nosotros dos no cabían en el colección que tienen permanente porque no había espacio. Llegamos los dos a la oficina y cuando preguntamos por las piezas nos dijeron..."estan expuestas en el tercer piso" Fuimos corriendo como nenes chiquitos a verlas. Me hizo tan feliz!!! Lo cual me recordó algo.

El día de la apertura vinieron muuuchas amistades mias a verme y ver el evento. Pero siempre faltaron dos o tres. Hay una sóla que me su ausencia me molestó. Se trata de mi mejor amiga de la infancia. La mujer con la cual fuí al colegio desde primer grado hasta cuarto año. Que le conocí todos sus novios, sus secretos, sus sueños. Cuando conoció a su esposo yo estaba allí. Yo fui el comic relief en su shower y lloré más que su mamá durante la ceremonia de bodas en la iglesia. Cada cumpleaños que me ha invitado he estado ahi. Los cumple de su hijo a todos he ido. En cada milestone de su vida, si me he enterado, yo he estado ahi. Así que cuando tuve en mis manos la invitación de la expo dejé dos en el buzón de su mamá. Cada una con un mensaje especial de que esperaba verlos allí. El mismo día de la expo reciví su llamada disculpandose de que no podía ir porque el marido estaba en no se donde y ella estaba sola con el nene. Le dije que estaba bien. Qué se supone que le diga?

Cuál es mi show? Yo no estoy casada, no tengo hijos, las obras son mis hijos. La apertura de la expo fue para mi un acontecimiento tan grande como una boda o el nacimiento de un hijo. Si yo no hubiese ido a su boda o alguna de las actividades que ha tenido celebrando cumpleaños o que se yo, estoy muy segura que se hubiese sentido.
Me encojona de sobre manera la arrogancia de el cuento de "no voy a poder porque salí de trabajar, voy a buscar a mi hijo y no tengo quien lo cuide."

1.Yo tambien trabajo y hasta más horas que tu.
2.La actividad es en un hotel, no en un antro y las 7pm es relativamente temprano que puedes llevar al niño sin ningun problema.
3. Está la opción de dejarle el niño a tu mamá que anyway lo cuida siempre, si le dices que quieres ir a mi actividad no creo que vaya a tener ningún problema con tenerlo par de horas más.

Las personas que se casan toman ese giro y miran a los que estamos solteros como si tuviesemos la libertad de hacer los que nos da la gana. Yo no tengo ese privilegio. Para cada actividad que me ha invitado ella, yo tengo que hacer miles de sacrificios para dar la cara y esconder el cansancio con una sonrisa.

Sigo virgen...

2008-04-26T22:25:00.002-04:00

...del culo. Ya que cuando fuí a hacerme el estudio, me fueron a chequiar la presión y abrí la boca a toser. Me quedé con el canto y me mandaron pa' mi casa. Así que la amanecia en el baño no me sirvió pa'na. Eso sí, contrario a lo que pensé no salí corriendo a comprarme un combo por ahí. Como que le cogí asquito a los fast foods. (ALELUYA!) Me comí una ensaladita con un juguito de té y más na'. Se fué esta semana y no fui a trabajar. Tengo mi escusa médica ahi bien bonita pa' llevarla el lunes al trabajo. Vacaciones improvistas de mierda. Porque si fuese yo la enferma na'más, cool, pero mi mamá y papá también estan jodíos. Y aunque no lo estuviesen igual estaba jodía porque como ninguno de los dos puede manejar, he tenido que yo solita ir al super, a la farmacia y otras saliditas pendejas.

Ayer como estaba a cántaro no me atreví a salir y yo antojá de hacer un Quiche Lorraine. Con suerte una amiga me llamó le fajé pa' que me fuera a comprar una libra de bacon para hacer el dichosos plato. Mi primer quiche y me quedó espectacular. Modestia aparte! Ella y C vinieron y entre los tres jugamos domino y nos hartamos el quiche y las galletitas que hice.

Al irse todo el mundo, tenia un text de C avisandome que habia llegado bien a la casa. Le escribi.."ok, I love you" y me contesta "I know". Si me huiese podido auto-patear anoche yo misma me hubiese dado una salsa por pendeja. Le echo la culpa a la bronquitis que me tiene monga y changa.

De buche en buche...

2008-04-23T23:52:00.003-04:00

Tras que tengo bronquitis....ah sí, porque pasó de ser monga a bronquitis. Pienso que si me huiese ido a hangiar, después de tres whiskey estuviera bien. Buenos volviendo al impulso de horita...tras que tengo bronquitis, mañana me van a hacer una colonoscopia. Para los que no saben que es, es un estudio donde te meten una cámara por...umm a ver como lo digo...este...ah que se joda, te la meten por el culo, literalmente. La colonoscopia un mal necesario para detectar polipos que se convierten eventualmente en cancer. Como mi padre ya ha sido operado tres veces de cancer, dos de ellas del colom pues no me queda otra que dejar que me espulguen a ver si no tengo nada raro por allá. El procedimiento no me importa, que se joda si me van a ver el culo. Lo que me tiene mal es que ahora mismo estoy en preparación lo que significa tomarme un galón de un laxante que sabe a carajo. El primer medio litro no sabia tan mal, pero ya que voy por el segundo litro se me paran los pelos na' mas de pensar que tengo que seguir tomandolo hasta que se acabe. En mi desespero a que supiera por lo enos bueno le eche un polvito de krystal light y saben que? sabe PEOR!!!!! y la cagué (no literalmente) porque se lo eché al puto galón, en vez de hacer un test primero, me zumbé con to' y tennis.

Pero eso no es lo mejor, llevo desde ayer sin comer comida sólida. me he mantenido a líquidos claros. Pensé que en el trabajo se me iria el día más rápido pero como me levanté peor no fui a trabajar. Pensaba que estaría todo el día de cama pero a mami se le ocurrió que fueramos al doc. Porque ella también esta con el pecho podrio. La cita era a la tres y no fue hasta las 5:55pm que nos atendieron. El doc regular de mami no estaba asi que nos atendió una doctora ahi medio pendeja que nos mandó al hospital para que a mi mamá le hiceran mil exámenes. Porque ella no se atrevía a medicarla...WHAT THE FUCK!? Al hospital llegamos como a las 9 pm y no salimos de alli hasta las benditas 7 am. Siiiii a las 7 am. Les hiceron los test a mami que decian que tenia bronquitis aguda....umm No dormimos para eso? Gee thanks! Con todo y que mi mama la tenian en una camilla ni ella ni yo dormimos, nos hicimos amigas de mama de la vecina de camilla y hablamos toda la noche con ella. A todo esto cuando uno esta en estos lugares esperando se baja la tensión comiendo, tomando chocolate caliente, cafe, etc. Y yo???? Un carajo gracias. Ver a todo el mundo hartarse donas, galletas y yo con al boca cuadrada. Mi fantasía actual es QUE ME VOY A COMER CUANDO SALGA DEL EXAMEN. Ay que joderse. Lo bueno es que de una semana a ayer rebajé 6 libras!! Woohoo! Si me acabo de tomar la mierda esta (no pun intended) maybe bajo 5 más. Ja!

Con la monga

2008-04-20T21:30:00.004-04:00

Estoy enferma...una monga que me cogió justo el viernes en la tarde. Fin de semana largo en la puta cama. Que bonito!!!!! Cuando por fin tengo un día libre me enfermo. Podría decir que estar recluida en casa me ayuda a ahorrar un poco de dinero pero no. Tuve que comprar medicamentos, tissues y goodies. I'm sorry si estoy enferma no hay dieta que valga. Tras que me siento miserable! Al carajo! Saliendo del Walgreen's me desvié hacia el Starbucks y pedí un frappuccino gigante con un shot de hazelnuts para que me supiera mas decadente. Aquilé tres peliculas y regresé a mi casa. Ah! y mi aspecto de show; espejuelos, nariz roja, sin maquillaje and all blotchy, shorts, sweater porque no me puse un brassiere. Por lo menos me acababa de bañar, asi que no olía a Vicks. Al menos hoy estoy de pie, ayer la pasé en cama, sé que el martes cuando tenga que regresar a trabajar voy a estar super bien...para recalcar más la ley de Murphy.

Encima C esta encabrona'o conmigo. Por qué? Porque me enfermé y lo dejé plantado dos veces para salir. Qué parte de "estoy enferma" no entendió? Aún no sé.

El pan de cada dia...

2008-04-10T14:09:00.002-04:00

Ay las cosas que uno se entera en la vida. Donde trabajo, como en toda oficina, hay gente; buena, mala, hipocrita, envidiosos, backstabbers, bochincheros, tecatos anonimos, you get the idea. Yo me siento como Suiza, entre medio de los conflictos y abogando por nadie. Alla ellos que se jodan. Uno en el trabajo no se puede tomar las cosas por lo personal. A mi me han acuchillao' la espalda el millón de veces, de espalda, de frente, etc. El chiste esque como hay tanto chismos siempre me entero. Y que hago? Nada. Puede que aveces me encojone pero la mayoría de las veces me río internamente. Karma is a bitch y en muchas ocasiones los perpretadores de nasty shit los he visto rodando por el piso sin yo haber alzado un dedo. Yo no creo en hacerle daño a nadie ni mucho joder con el trabajo de nadie. Siempre me sorprende (no se si por naive o por pendeja...maybe las dos) ver y oir como la gente se esgarra de espaldas, como maltratan a los demás, como hacen una mierda y pretenden que los aplaudan.... oh man!

Yo me paso con los audífonos enjorquetaos en las orejas porque prefiero quedarme sorda con la música bien alta que escuchar las idioteces que vomitan ciertos elementos de aquí. "Acho! en velda en velda...." Hay tres específicos que les diría lo siguiente;

Sabes qué? You suck! Tanto como empleado y ser humano, porque no tienes ni idea lo que es la compación, el compañerismo ni mucho menos el respeto. Tu grado de madurez se quedó estancado cuando entraste a segundo año de high school. Tus burlas a los demás sólo recalcan lo inseguro y acompleja'o que eres. Porque te quejas tanto del trabajo que hay? Deberías dar gracias a Dios que con el poco talento que tienes tienes un empleo "creativo" y no estas trabajando flipping burgers en un fast food. Y by the way the boss is watching you bien de cerca y cuando menos te lo esperes...paf!

Yeap...les diria eso a cada uno. Jejeje... pero why bother?! :P

Despues de la tormenta...

2008-04-02T15:30:00.001-04:00

Viene el shopping!!!!! Woohoooo!!! I got paid!!!!!

I need rerail therapy...

2008-04-01T17:31:00.002-04:00

Hoy envié una factura más. Puñeta que me paguen. Quiero pagar lo que debo e irme de shopping. Tengo ganas de comprarme panties lindos.

Reventandome con la misma piedra

2008-04-01T11:00:00.003-04:00

Anoche tuve otro snap. Oí en mi interior como una rama vieja, hueca y tostada se rompía. Oia mi propia historia repetida en otra persona, "pero yo le advertí que me iba antes de empezar nada con ella." Más tarde la admisión de que es un total cabrón conmigo y yo lo seguía aceptando. "Por ejemplo tu y yo. Yo soy un asshole contigo, tu te encojonas pero a los tres días te llamo y estás como si nada." En su arrogancia no vió nunca que mi sentir hacia él habia surgido del sentimiento de culpa, de remordimiento y siempre de soledad. Mientras me clavaba el alma con su retórica y argumentos vacios, me dí cuenta que ya había aprendido a llorar sin hacer ruido, a dejar que las lágrimas fluyeran sin que mi voz se afectara. Cortamos y rompí en sollozos que ahogué con la almohada. Era la combinación del recuerdo de mi victimato y la realización de mi estupidez. No lloraba por él, lloraba por mí por haber sido tan ingenua e incapás de mandarlo a la mierda y dejarlo allí.

Me levanté agotada, triste. Abrí mi cartera...vacía, llamé al banco y me enteré que mi cuenta está en -$3. Tengo la leve impresión de que el dinero que me deben no lo veré hasta el viernes. Almorcé una lata de sopa que encontré en mi gabeta. Adelanté el trabajo del día y leí. Me he pasado leyendo para evitar pensar. Lo que me sacó una sonrisa fue la llamada de M y los libros que me envió con L. Encima ya la expo se acabó eso acabó de llenarme de melancolía.

Yo sé que mañana me va importar un culo todo y que eventualmente leeré esto y me dará vergüenza.

Sin Título

2008-03-30T15:05:00.006-04:00

Todos los días tengo una narración en la cabeza. Todos los días tengo un tema diferente. Pero la realidad del trabajo diario, los compromisos y las misas sueltas hacen que cuando abra finalmente la página me quede en blanco.

Hoy es domingo, finalmente un día en mucho tiempo que no tengo que salir corriendo a resolver el mundo. No tengo trabajo pendiente ni atrasado. Puedo hornear si ne ma da la gana pero no es mandatorio hoy. Pensé en buscar alguna nueva receta y tratarla. Pero a final de cuentas no quiero hacer NADA.

Anoche la pasamos bien. Reuní a mis primos y mis amigas en casa. Fue improvisado. El último se fue a las 3 am. Hoy mami me dice "te veias cansada." Era una mezcla de cansancio y un poco de frustración. Hacen tres años atrás no lo queria, lo rechazaba, lo empujaba de mi vida mientras más él trataba de entrar. Hasta le rechacé un regalo que aún me arrepiento. Nos habiamos encontrado en la vida rotos los dos. Pero no sólo estaba rota si no furiosa y toda mi rabia la decargué con él. Cuando desistí ya era tarde. Pasaron los meses y mantuvimos contacto. Poco a poco se fue derritiendo la coraza que me habia hecho pero ya era tarde, no sólo los sentimientos eran lejanos si no que teniamos un océano de por medio. Otro más. Una montaña rusa más. Aveces, arriba otras veces completamente abajo y hasta inerte. En sus visitas cortas pasaba lo mismo siempre. Me resistia para terminar rendida y sin respiración. Este lunes pasado estabamos sentados en una barra, yo nerviosa como si fuera la primera vez y tratando de guardar el miedo. El con su sonrisa sospechosa y mirada profunda hablando sin parar. Me entero de su pasaje sin regreso, frustraciones, pasadas amantes y la última chica de dejó atrás. "Quieres verla?" me preguntó. Le dije que no. Me alzó la ceja y me dijo "te han dicho que eres transparente?" Lo miré con media sonrisa y le dije "Mil veces...que estás leyendo?" "No leo mentes pero sé que te molesta." Pienso en mil argumentos pero se que todos los voy a perder. Con él no hay forma de ganar. Me tomo mi palo como si fuera Coca Cola y le digo "awww fuck it, dejame verla." Me la enseña y me cuenta que es medio sorda y habla funny y por eso da la impresión de que es tonta pero es muy inteligente. Por la foto veo que es linda rayando en lo normal. Pero quién soy yo para juzgar?! Me cuenta de las anteriores y le digo "tu eres un basket case magnet." Y me contesta después de tragar cerveza "eso no dice nada bueno de ti..." Touché!

Me cuenta que ella sabe que él posiblemente no regrese y que todo terminó allá. Por ahora. Ella llamó y le envió mensajes mientras estabamos allí. Juego con mi trago mientras él contesta. El piensa que estoy celosa pero en realidad estaba pensando que hacen meses atrás los papeles estaban invertidos. En medio del bullicio en una barra leyendo mensajes o hablando por teléfono conmigo. La ironía. Me hace preguntas para que le diga que me pasa, me imita a la perfección y me dan ganas de pararme y dejarlo allí. Me doy otro trago y me recuerda que soy transparente. Le digo "Ya sabia que estabas con alguien, hace tiempo no me llamabas. Cada vez que comienzo a sentir mil cosas desapareces. Cuando me olvido y me rindo, regresas." Se me queda mirando, se rie dice mil cosas que no presto atención y respondo "estoy cansada." Lo cual significa que estoy cansada del círculo vicioso que llevamos, cansada emocionalmente de sentirme sóla aún rodeada de gente (y no soy la única), cansada físicamente por pasar 10 horas o más en la oficina y luego llegar a casa y trabajar más. Cansada de quedarme dormida rendida en una cama muy grande para mi. Cansada de ser un adulto y aún sentirme una niña esperando un regaño. Pero no le digo nada de esto. Ya nos vamos y dentro del carro se repite una escena que hemos tenido antes.

El viernes vino a casa y hablamos animadamente de películas y mil cosas más. Entonces ayer estuvo también aca. Jugamos en el mismo equipo y mi amiga me comentó "parecían una pareja..." La miro y le digo "es que lo fuimos una vez." Quiero y no quiero nada. Al irse me abre los brazos, camino hacia su pecho, me abraza bien fuerte, me huele el cuello y me dice bajito "tu eres bien needy." Cierro los ojos y le digo "si...en estos momentos si." Se aparta y camina hacia el auto con una sonrisa de "gané" regresa a mi nuevamente y me besa en los labios. No me muevo, no respiro, ni abro los labios. El no se fija y me dice "eso fue un preview". En su arrogancia no se dió cuenta que no lo besé. Que tengo los labios mojados y disimuladamente me los seco con la mano. No he movido un músculo y no sé si es por no darle el gusto o porque simplemente no hay nada que pueda hacer ya.

Al que no quiere caldo...

2008-03-17T14:52:00.002-04:00

...le dan tres tazas. Hoy hubo una pequeña reunión y me enteré con quién por ahora tengo que trabajar. Y como dice el título...pues que remedio. El chiste que pienso que la tirtura va a ser más al otro lado que para mi.:P Yo me encargaré de no dejar que me joda mucho la existencia. Hoy me levanté con nuevos bríos, nuevos planes, alegría y ganas de reír. Mi esfuerzo se está notando. Además de que este fin de semana estuvo brutal. Mi cumple fué el sábado y mi mamá desde hace una semana había hablado con par de mis amigos para hacerme algo en casa. Como luego me oyó haciendo planes, me tuvo que decir que me estaba planeando una sorpresa. "Me cago en nah' a ti no se te puede hacer una sorpresa...siempre me la jodes." Me dijo entre broma y en serio. Quería invitar a todo el mundo pero tenía limitado el número porque mi casa no es muy grande y estaba el factor dinero. Ni yo ni mi mamá teníamos un peso encima. Mami dijo "con lo que tenga en casa la hago la fiesta." Nilmarie le dió la mano a mami no sólo en conseguir entretenimiento Kareoki y el Scene It, si no que salió a hacer errands y me trajo vodka y limones. Mis primos trajeron albondigas a petición popular, jejeje, Maribel una sangría divina, Rob una picadera de jamones y queso. Hice un trabajito que entregué el viernes y con ese dinero compramos el resto de las cosas para el sábado. Mi casa se llenó de gente, algarabía, música, desafinos juntos con carcajadas, conversaciones, re encuentros, comida, bebida y más. Los últimos que se fueron fue a las 3:15 am. Luillo me dijo que estaba feliz porque siempre me vió con una sonrisa en la cara. Y como él mismo me dijo, Kukey los que vengan son los que realmente te quieren.

Tufiño: Un legado de belleza y talento

2008-03-14T12:53:00.004-04:00

Rafael Tufiño es uno de los más reconocidos pintores de la época de los 50 de Puerto Rico. Nació en Brooklin, NY y a los 10 años se mudó con sus padres a PR. La mayoría de los temas de sus pinturas eran alrededor de PR y su gente. Un hombre orgulloso de sus raíces, educado, simpático y muy elocuente. Eso no lo busqué, eso lo descubrí yo cuando lo conocí el año pasado en una exposición que tenía una parte de su colección de pinturas. Yo no conozco mucho los artista puertorriqueño porque mi educación de arte formal fue en USA. Aún así debo confesar que esta muy mal de mi parte por no haberlos estudiado por cuenta propia, pero eso hago ahora.

El día que fui con Rick a Prinardi, a ver la expo, no tenia ni idea. Su nombre me sonaba pero hasta ahi. "Lo he oído antes..." Entramos al elevador y note un viejito rodeado de gente. Iba vestido en traje, sombrero y unos espejuelos que hacian que se vieran los ojos bien grande. En los brazos llevaba su bastón y un ramo de rosas rojas. Rick le extendio la mano para saludarlo y dijo "Maestro!!!" Yo miraba de lado a lado como si fuera un juego de ping pong. "Huh? es él?!" Dije bien bajito y con los ojos, Rick me dijo que si. Tufiño no era más alto que yo. Nos salimos del elevador y él espero que todas las mujeres salieran primero, entonces él saldría. Las flores eran para Judith, que no hacia más de un mes había enviudado de Andrés Marrero (fundador de Prinardi). Rick y yo caminamos un rato viendo las obras cuando lo vimos rodeado de personas que lo escuchaban hablar. Nos acercamos tímidamente para oirlo. Poco a poco se fueron dispersando las personas hasta que quedamos junto a él. Eramos Rick, la mamá de Jojo, Jojo, un señor y yo. Rick y yo nos sentamos en el piso de la galería. Allí escuché en primera fila de donde él salió, cuentos del ejercito, anécdotas, chistes, maldades....etc. Le tomé un pequeño video con la cámara del celu y dos fotos. Pero las perdí cuando mi celu se dañó. Tufiño era accesible. Caminamos junto a él viendo el trabajo de otros artistas y lo escuchabamos opinar positivamente sobre las obras. Cuando llegó el momento de irnos, mientras los demás se despedían yo tenía ganas de llorar. Quería apretar a ese viejito lindo y darle las gracias por darnos la oportunidad de estar tan cerca a una legenda viva del arte. Años pasados me hubiera quedado con los deseos pero aprendí a abrir mi bocota, asi que le dije "le puedo dar un abrazo?" Tufiño no contestó, se volteó donde Rick y le dijo, "Me aguantas el bastón para darle un abrazo como Dios manda?' Asi que le di un apretón, le dije al oído "muchas gracias por todo" y me sentí haber tocado algo importante en la historia.

Hoy me encontré con la noticia de su muerte y me llenó de tristeza. Pero muy bien dijo Martorell al El Nuevo Día; “por suerte, su partida no es una pérdida. Su obra no se ha de perder y un artista es, sobre todo, su obra. Ahí queda el legado siempre vivo y es una enseñanza de cómo mirar y reflejar el sentido y el alma de un pueblo”.