Have you felt the beating of your own heart today?

I have.

Funny I don't recall the last time I did. Actually I do. I was nervous so I took his hand and put it on on my neck. "Do you feel that? You are killing me with the suspense." The rest is a bad story that eventually I would tell. After that I think I went numb. I forgot to feel me. I forgot ME. I was chasing ghosts, I was barking at all the wrong trees.

Anyway, today was different. I felt my heart because I was on my stationary bike pedaling away. Just like that; agitated, sweating and my heart beating fast. My legs felt awesome after I climbed down. I felt my body... I am here, I haven't disappear. You see, sometime ago I forgot what was important and good for me. I'm awake.

Happy New YEAR!!!!!!!

I know it's February but I'm going to consider this the beginning of my new year. Yeah, January sucked ass. Let me enumerate the reasons.

My dad's last best friend died. My mom went to the hospital while at the same time my father was also sick with the flu at our house. I had to skip too many days at work and I didn't had any vacations days left. I was forced to take the days I had left during x-mas...thank you very much. So I'm not getting pay for those days. I got food poisoned and had to skip yet another day at the office. Mr C got psycho on me again and for the last time. The office atmosphere is CRAP. All my student loans are like two months behind on payments. One of my clients, who owe me lots of money, went bankrupt. I met a pretty interesting guy....and he has a pretty girlfriend. Last but no least I think I fall out of love with my job.

All of this has a remedy I know. So that's why instead on focusing on all that crap I am reinventing myself. Giving me another chance to start over and have a good year, a good start. Why not? I am the owner of my life. That's the only thing that is truly mine and I have to take control. So cheers!! Have a good one because I know I will.

Why we have and keep friends?!

In the past I have heard people argue that they prefer to be alone, that they don't trust anyone, that people are crap, that your best friend is either a dog or a dollar on your wallet. Well... if you think like that then let me tell you that you are a little sad person. Sorry to be blunt.

I haven't write much here on my blog for two reasons; 1. I am not following a healthy diet and 2. I've been going through some rough stuff that I am still figuring out how to deal with. At the same time there had been awesome moments worthy of posting but I've been too cramped with work to sit down and let my heart out. I've been under a lot of pressure lately; money, work, sick parents, heartbreak (again), artistic frustration, you name it. My last odyssey was my mom's hospitalization while my dad also was sick at home. I run out of vacation days at my work so that means no work no pay. My parents are my priority so I'll figure out what to do to balance the paycheck. Work(money) comes and goes but my parents are the only ones I have.

I told myself that if I ever feel lonely it's just a drama attack because I have people in my life that truly care about me. I have proof everyday. They call, they text, they take me to the movies, they come over out of the blue to have dinner, they help with errands, play a game or just chat while I do the dishes, they come visit my mom with Chunky Monkey(for me) or donuts, they even have put money on my hands.

Today my mom is at home and I'm back at work. I'm a warrior and I have a legion of earth angels behind my back taking care of the pieces that falls.

This song is for each you! THANK YOU!

Walking away...

Tonight is a good night for a drink. I finally was brave enough to erase Mr P from my contacts. *big applause* All my contacts! *standing ovation* I received a text on Thanksgiving that was obviously a mass text message. I read it and deleted it after reading it twice. No, I didn't answered it. Then on Monday I saw on FB his new pictures with his new borrowed family. Pictures I saw once in my mind but with me and my future baby. That was the final slap.

This is exactly what I needed to move on. I can't keep holding a dream that doesn't belong to me. So, good bye Mr P. I could be graceful and say I hope you are happy and have a prosperous life. But I don't feel graceful today. Fuck you and your new life you miserable liar. I hope everytime they make your life a living hell you remember how good I was to you.

Confused...just confused (letter #2)

There's a small frown on my face. I was taking self portraits pictures earlier when I noticed that every time I smile when the camera clicked I looked phony and weird. Only when I relaxed my face and let it set to my true feelings was when I looked decent. Sad but decent.

Here's the deal. I was fine alone because I was used to that. I spent too much time closed in an office. I make my work atmosphere a pleasant one. I get hugs everyday and I know there are lots of people who really care and love me. Every time I'm in trouble or in need, I deal with it usually alone. There are some earth angels that always lend me their hands when I most need it. And I am grateful for that. I have been in the deepest end of the pool drowning many times and just a right word or a caress had helped me get up for air and swim back to the sun. I am happy person, I hate to drag my feet. I slap myself every time I catch myself too mopey. I like to be fun to be around. I'm the one who takes care of everything and everyone. So when you appeared out of the blue paying attention to me, caressing my face like in the movies, holding my hand, walking proudly besides me and kissing me with need and tenderness I was just... taken aback. I was afraid and concerned but then I said fuck it and let it go...to crash with a sudden wall. Fine. Go away but the tease was just plain cruel. I know you had no idea what a mess has been left behind. When Mr P finally left for good the devastation was huge. I took my pieces and glued them together.

Now I'm just confused. You say you don't have time for me. That was the most ironic thing you could say to me. I'm not arguing about that is just that if you don't have any feelings for me...well I can accept that but don't talk about not having time.
I'm walking away from a place where I was told he just wanted to be alone and a few months later his house is habited by his new girlfriend and her two kids. Alone my ass.

I hate not to know how to act because when you put a stop to my face I just lose my grip. You call and I'm disturbed. You leave messages in a cyber world that have no name attached to them and I wonder if they are for me. My heart skips a beat and it sunks again. Be an asshole and tell me to fuck off. I prefer to be mad at you and give you a fuck it than to like you and keep wondering.

An undelivered letter

Do you know how I feel? Like someone is squeezing my chest, like my heart wants to leap out of my chest in any moment. Anxiety is the worse. I want to ask you so many thing I have no idea where to start or if it is correct to ask on the first place. I feel fragile again for opening, for letting it happen. I don't want to make excuses for you. You either want or not. I said enough is not enough for me. You have looked at me quizzical asking what's wrong when I have pulled away. Don't you see I'm just afraid? I am not in love and I want to, but what do YOU want? I love the way it feels when you reach my hand out of the blue. I feel protected when you put your arm on my shoulders. I feel small and warm.

I'm afraid to be me...to be the fool I am. I'm afraid my enthusiasm will scare and drive you away. Others are approaching but I have given my back to them and I prefer you. Go figure, when it rains it pours. You don't know what I've been through and I will not tell. Just know that I have been burned too many times and I only need to know where I am standing. That's all I ask. I need to know if I should take my heart and walk away or if stay and give it you. Simple.

UPDATE: I wonder if he read this because we talked and it's over. It really never started anyway. Oh well, I'm a little sad but the anxiety of not knowing is gone. Let's move on shall we?

A word of advise...

If you have a small company, little budget and need a logo and some art works go to an art institute and ask for help to the students. They are going to be eager to take your project and do a great job for little money. I know I did when I was in college.

Here's the thing, a month ago a so called friend called me and asked me to do some graphic works for him. This is a person that I haven't hear from in a couple of years neither I consider "friend". I listen to the mumbo jumbo introduction of what is needed and gave me some bogus art direction. We don't talk about money only the "treat me kind because I don't have much money".

I do the artwork following the directions. The art is crap of course and I told him so. Finally agrees and let me do my job. I come up with a decent piece, do the adaptations. This means I am working overnight at my home taking hours from my life. I could be baking, I could be watching a movie, I could be designing a brochure that a company in USA ask me to do. I deliver the art on time. Along with the bill. The weeks pass and I don't hear anything else from this person. Until one day the person calls me to tell me that I haven't sent the bill. I tell him "Oh yes I did but don't worry I'll send it again." I was in bed with the laptop dangling from my knees. He asked me how much the bill was and I told him. He says "ok, I'll see you next week to deliver the check and tell you about another project" I cringed because I really don't want to do more works for this person. Two days later I have an email from this person telling me I overcharged him and that we had agreed that I was only going to charge him $75. I wonder in what planet this person lives...$75???? Really???? I answer the email as polite as I can but firm on the fact that I never mentioned how much I was charging. The emails kept coming back a forth. One in particular said "remember I am not rich" and I answered that "I know and neither I am so for that reason I can't work for free. I charged you way less money that I charge my other clients and that's not ethic. If you have a problem coming up with the money I can agree on getting half now and half later." The person still insist that I said $75 but agrees in paying half now and half later. Guess what? It's been a month and I haven't seen this person nor the money. :(
I sent an email today reminding him about it.

Don't insult me and my work like that. I went to college for 4 years and graduated with a BFA majoring in Illustration. I have 9 year of experience in the Advertising Industry. I have work with accounts like: American Express, Schering-Plough, Coca Cola, Alianza Francesa, Cutty Sark, Triple-S Seguros, DonQ, Medalla, Garage Isla Verde (Mercedes-Benz), Gran Meliá, Yaucono, First Bank, Abbot, McDonald's and so on.

Look come in front and tell me "I have only this for doing this project, what do you think?" and I'll adapt but know that I will only do one revision, the next ones are going to be charged too. My time is money just like everyone else.

Now bitch, where's my money???